Her Majesty the Queen of the United Kingdom has disbanded the monarchy.
Speaking before the House of Lords, Elizabeth Windsor outlined her intention to abdicate the throne before aiding the transition of Britain's head of state to a democratically elected presidency.
"It is with absolutely no reluctance that I discharge my last duty as Queen," she said, "and relinquish the authority and superiority from the House of Windsor over to the people of the Commonwealth. And that means you lot must go too."
Prime Minister David Cameron was seen looking into Leader of the House of Commons William Hague's clairvoyant forehead, muttering incoherently to himself, "I will be the British George Washington," before being asked by Eric Joyce to "step outside."
Buckingham Palace will be converted into the world's largest homeless shelter, and their various estates turned into rent-free accommodation for Britain's most disadvantaged students.
"The last thing we wanted was educated, well-informed citizens," said Philip Mountbatten, the former Duke of Edinburgh, in between outbursts of needless racism, "so we tried to bombard them with the taboo of crippling debt.
"It should come as a surprise to no one that I will be standing in the General Election in Great Yarmouth for UKIP."
Charles, Former Prince of Wales, also looked to the future: "I want a real job. I'm 66 and I feel like I have no purpose in life. Sitting around waiting for your mum to die isn't exactly the kind of promotion incentive I'm after at this age."
Former Prince Harry will adopt his family's original name of Saxe-Coburg, explaining: "My great-grandfather, King George V, changed our name to Windsor in 1917 because everyone hated the Germans. But I love the Germans."
Sarah Ferguson was unable to comment, having been admitted to Broadmoor last Thursday.
Former First Minister of Scotland, Alex Salmond, who failed to secure his nation's independence last September, said: "This news will make no difference to political or cultural life in Scotland, as we already have our own Queen of Scots...Nicola Sturgeon."
Egyptian business magnate, Mohamed Al-Fayed, released a statement through the Harrod's website: "If the monarchy had never existed, my son would still be alive. Then again, if they hadn't championed ruthless capitalism as vigorously as they did, I would not be the 1,031st-richest person in the world, so it's six and half a dozen."
Mingling among her fellow commoners, the monarch emeritus remarked: "One only became Queen because one's uncle was a mad shagger.
"One will live in a council house on Benefits Street where one will live off the basic pension of £113.10 per week," she continued, "my friend Iain Duncan Smith has assured me that one can live on £53 per week, so one will be loaded!"
The money which would otherwise have been lost continuing a generation of tax avoidance will be given to victims of the many human rights abusers that have wined and dined at the Queen's invitation, most notably Zimbabwean dictator, Robert Mugabe.
Amnesty International praised the move, calling it a "new dawn for democracy" before quickly sacking their soundbite writer.
Meanwhile, many public figures have spoken out in anger over the decision that all knighthoods will be revoked. "I can't believe this has happened," shouted Paul McCartney behind his mansion gates, "I'm going to have to get new business cards printed now."