Being a first time dad can be overwhelming, you’re not only there to support your newborn baby but also your partner.
Balancing so many emotions alongside learning and unlearning habits to be a better father isn’t always easy to navigate, but what makes it more difficult is when people pass unnecessary comments.
Han-Son Lee is the founder of Daddilife and producer of Dadda Panda as well as a dad. He had a difficult relationship with his own father so when he became a dad, he decided he would put his all in to ensure his nine-year-old son has a positive father figure.
He decided he wanted to co-parent equally to have a great relationship with his child.
Speaking to HuffPost UK, Han-Son says there are many things he would advise others not to say to a first time dad.
What shouldn’t you say to a dad?
1. When you see him out with his newborn: “The wife got you to babysit has she?”
Han-son Lee says this is automatically assuming a dad is not involved in day to day parenting activities.
He said: “No, we’re not babysitting, it’s called parenting. Some people say it just to strike up conversation, and I get that, but the idea that someone sees a dad with a new baby and somehow automatically assumes that he’s not actually involved in day to day care is increasingly at odds with the role that dads have in modern day society.”
He explained that this has been reinforced by what we present to children as families — with mums always leading the child-caring. But Han-Son is trying to change that narrative with his series Dadda Panda which is shows that dads can be primary carers themselves. There are in fact over more than 140,000 stay at home dads now in the UK!
2. When you see him on parental leave: “How long is your holiday?”
As more organisations start to offer more equal forms of parental leave, we’re seeing more and more new dads take longer than the statutory 2 weeks. But, particularly for an older generation of parents, this has created a feeling that dads are simply ‘on leave’ for longer, says Han-Son.
“No - modern day dads are doing just as much of the nappy changes, the feeds and more that means they’re an equal parent. In fact, it’s high time that we challenge why paternity leave is only two weeks, which has now become the lowest provision across all of Europe,” he comments.
3. When you see him struggling: “Just man up.”
We know that around 1 in 5 new mothers experience post natal depression, and new research has shown that in fact as many as 1 in 10 new dads suffer postpartum depression.
Han-Son says people should be listening and looking out for the signs in dads is going to be much more helpful than ‘hey, you look a little down - I think you need to man-up.’
Just asking “How are you?” Is going to be much more helpful than making any assumptive statements, he explains.
4. “Are you sure you’re doing that right?”
“Whether it’s the nappies, baby carriers, buggies or just about anything baby related, as soon as someone see’s a dad struggling, or doing parenting in a way that feels different, the old chestnut of ‘are you sure you’re doing that right’ pops up,” comments Han-Son.
Thought they might not be doing it right, Han-Son urges people to not ask this question if it’s purely subjective.
“While there’s no such thing as perfect parenting, there certainly is such a thing as presumptive parenting!” He adds.
5. “You should let the mum handle that.”
According to Han-Son, there’s still so much assumption that certain tasks or responsibilities should only be managed by mothers.
He feels it’s like an automatic default for an older generation of parents especially.
“It simply doesn’t represent the father’s role as a caregiver now. Aside from breastfeeding, dads are capable of doing just as much of the day to day parenting from day 1.”
6. “When are you going back to work?”
Though it’s fair to say that this can be asked totally innocently with no bias implied at all, particularly in a later part of the parental leave, agrees Han-Son, he says he’s heard of dads get asked this quite literally from day 1 of parental leave.
He said: “This simply adds a strange pressure about returning to work which can add unnecessary stress and detract from the importance of bonding time with the baby.”
7. “Is this your first nappy change?”
Making light of a new dad’s efforts to care for his child by joking about basic parenting tasks can be rather annoying to say the least, according to Han-Son.
“Instead, offer encouragement and praise for his involvement in hands-on caregiving. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the age old nappy change!” He advises.
8. “Shouldn’t you be helping more?”
Han-Son says that assuming a new dad isn’t pulling his weight in caregiving responsibilities is unfair, and this question seems to often come at the most most opportune time for someone who hasn’t seen the parental shift a dad may have just put in.
He adds: “It’s important to say here that every family’s dynamics are different, and dads contribute to parenting in various ways. When dad’s get this from their own family too - instead of criticising, offer assistance or ask how you can support him.
9. “Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it eventually.”
Though Han-Son believes there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with the words of this statement, the tone in which it’s asked is the kicker here.
The dad says when it’s said in a way that fatherhood is a learning curve that new dads will never really overcome, then that can be pretty discouraging.
“A little friendly reassurance and acknowledgement of the challenges a dad is facing while expressing confidence in his abilities is the sure way to success,” he explains.
So what about the things to say instead…
“Well, we live in a world of ‘perfect’ parenting, particularly on social media. So some reassuring words will always be more welcome than patronising ones. If you’re a parent yourself, a smile and a nod goes a long way too. Who knows — you might even make a new dad friend in the process,” says Han-Son.