Many experts believe the quality (and quantity) of our friendships begin to deteriorate after the age of 25.
That age feels really specific — but it makes sense because that’s when most of us begin to have more responsibilities and less free time. Maybe we’ve found a romantic relationship or a career or we have children and that limits our ability to invest in friendships in ways we could when we were younger and more carefree.
Regardless of why it happens, the idea that our friendships become less of a priority as we age is pretty bleak, especially since we know how important they are to our overall health and happiness. There has to be a way to preserve the magic with our besties, right? That’s why we — Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, hosts of HuffPost’s Am I Doing It Wrong? podcast — turned to journalist and friendship expert Anna Goldfarb for tips and tricks to keep our friendships strong.
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Goldfarb confirmed that keeping solid friendships as an adult can be challenging, largely because life gets extremely real — especially in situations where one party goes through something overwhelming and life-changing.
She went through this herself when her sister had kids and suddenly had less time and attention to offer Goldfarb.
“I’m not feeling the love. She’s not reaching out to me,” she said. “I’m doing so much for her, but I don’t feel like she can match the energy I’m putting in and a lot of resentment was building up.”
Goldfarb, the author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, discovered that when new responsibilities strain a friendship, strong and coherent communication is key.
In these situations, she advises us to verbalise our commitment to our friends with these four words: “’I’m not going anywhere.”
These words are clear and concise and can be very comforting.
“It’s very powerful and it knocks away uncertainty,” Goldfarb said. “And it’s the gift of getting rid of uncertainty because uncertainty creates anxiety. And we don’t want our friends to question or wonder, like, is this friendship still important?”
She also urged us to tell our friend that we love them and that we understand they may need time and space to adjust to these big changes. But the “I’m not going anywhere” is powerful because it can remove stress and expectations.
Once our friend knows that we understand what they are going through, we won’t abandon them, and they have our support, we can also inquire about how we might be able to offer help.
“What that looked like for me was going over every week to watch [my sister’s] kid so she could take a nap,” Goldfarb told us. “It’s like, you know what you need? You need sleep. I’m going to come over and help. And then pockets would open up after she’s well-rested, after she’s had something to eat, then she’ll be like, ‘What’s going on with you?’”
After she did that, Goldfarb said, their relationship got stronger.
“Our love grew, and then I did get what I wanted,” she said. “I did get her excited about my life and invested. But it had to start with me sharing my life and showing up and saying, ‘I’m here to help you.’ And that’s what’s required in your 30s. And that is a new dynamic.”
Of course, this effort is reserved for what Goldfarb refers to as our “elite” friends, or the ones whose friendships mean a lot to us. We can’t give everyone our all, but there are certainly friendships that are worth it.
On this week’s episode, we also chatted about the friendship “about,” why you need to organise your friend circle into tiers, and what being someone’s best friend can do for your health.
Listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts.
For more from Anna Goldfarb, visit her website.
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