For people trying to get pregnant, Mother’s Day can be an incredibly difficult day. From the lead up with card companies promoting the day to advertisements with mothers and children bonding over the day.
Sandy Christiansen, fertility coach at Béa Fertility said that if you’re struggling this Mother’s Day, it’s completely understandable: “You’ll likely be juggling the complex whirlwind of conflicting emotions stirred up by wanting to celebrate the mothers in your life, while simultaneously feeling jealous of what they have, and worrying about whether motherhood is something you’ll ever get to experience.”
She also added that you might even feel like an outsider if all those closest to you are mothers themselves.
How to look after yourself this Mother’s Day if you’re struggling to conceive
Remember that your emotions are valid
Christiansen said: “My most fundamental piece of advice for coping with Mother’s Day is to remember that whatever you’re feeling is completely ok. Being overwhelmed, anxious, sad, angry, cautiously optimistic, or a combination of them all, is normal.”
She added that if you’re experiencing anxieties, journaling about how you’re feeling can help you to acknowledge and process and manage your emotions as well as slowing down racing thoughts.
However, if your fertility anxiety feels overwhelming and is interfering with your day-to-day life, it’s time to seek professional support from your GP, therapist or fertility specialist.
Make the day your own
Chistiansen urges those who struggle with infertility to try to make the day their own saying: “the golden rule on Mother’s Day, and every day when you’re trying to get pregnant, is to be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty if you find the day difficult.
“And don’t feel obligated to do anything specific or attend a family function if it feels like too much - the people who love you will understand.”
If you do feel that being around people may help, Christiansen advises spending time with friends or family who will respect your wishes to not talk about your fertility, or curling up on the sofa and watching a film.
“If you want to go on a day trip or try a new hobby to distract yourself, that’s great, too. Make the day your own.”
Set boundaries to avoid the ‘when are you having a baby’ conversation
Days like Mother’s Day seem to invite invasive questions. They may be asked with good intentions but when you’re put on the spot, it can be easy to fall into explaining yourself.
Christiansen said: “No one has the right to know about your fertility journey and family plans. Preparing simple statements in advance ensures you’re in control of how much you discuss it.”
She said that knowing you have these responses on hand will help to calm anxieties in the lead-up to the day becaue you’ll feel prepared and able to nip these pesky questions in the bud.
The responses don’t have to be complicated. Christainsen recommends these responses:
- “Today isn’t about me. Can we focus on celebrating our mums instead?”
- “Whether I’m going to become a mother is not something I want to talk about today.”
- “I love that you’re interested in my life, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about my family plans just yet.”
- “I don’t want to talk about my baby plans. Please respect my wishes.”
Avoid online triggers such as social media and emails
While many of us are in the habit of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, it may be worth avoiding the app altogether on Mother’s Day instead of being confronted with a feed full of smiling mothers and their children.
Christiansen said: “The good news is that many companies have now introduced an option to opt out of Mother’s Day emails. But to ensure your day is as free as possible from painful reminders, it could be worth steering clear of social media and emails altogether.
“If you’re feeling up to it, it’s even better if you can replace your screen time with activities which support your mental health like a walk, workout class or meeting up with a supportive friend.”
Help and support:
- Sands works to support anyone affected by the death of a baby.
- Tommy’s fund research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide pregnancy health information to parents.
- Saying Goodbye offers support for anyone who has suffered the loss of a baby during pregnancy, at birth or in infancy.