Like most fortunate people, I love my family. I like my family. I’d even go as far as to say I look forward to seeing them (though I’d never admit this to their faces) but there’s something about being around them for extended periods which just makes me... irritable.
I know I’m not alone in this. In fact, I see it in them too. My sweet reunions with my baby sisters soon descend into bickering and making digs about decades-old grudges from when we actually lived together.
When I speak to friends about it, they say the same. The second they return to their family home or even just their hometowns, they regress into a version of themselves they had long-forgotten. The sulky, irritable sides of them that don’t quite match their mature, professional, ‘real lives’.
Why does this happen, and can we avoid it?
Why our families annoy us so much
According to research on interpersonal dynamics, we’re not just regressing to our younger selves but also the role we had when we lived with our families. Meaning that whether you were the peacekeeper or the rebel of the family, this side of you is reignited around those closest to you.
Alex Oliver-Gans, LMFT, a therapist with a private practice in San Francisco spoke with SELF about this phenomenon and said: “They almost typecast you.
“You might feel like you’ve grown past the person you were once expected to be and, all of a sudden, there’s this pressure for you to fulfill a role you used to have.”
He also added that the way that your family interacts with you can trigger this, too. So, if you were always known as being ‘oversensitive’, this may now be something that feels like an attack.
Or, your siblings may make fun of long-held insecurities that only they can know about.
Oliver-Gans explained that these interactions carry a lot of weight and history, and are therefore more likely to set you off.
Basically, they know you too well. Ugh.
How to manage stress around your family this Christmas
Mike Kocsis from Balance My Hormones recommends taking the following steps to stay level this festive season:
- Practice deep breathing: Calming techniques lower cortisol levels and help manage heated moments from exploding. A great way for doing this is by taking gentle deep breath down into the lungs – as if you are blowing up a balloon in your belly and exhaling slowly
- Set realistic expectations: Embrace imperfection and focus on the positive. Setting boundaries can help with this by understanding your own personal values and use them to decide what to say yes or no to
- Plan downtime: Take regular breaks to recharge between gatherings, this can anything from 5 minutes to watching your favourite tv show or taking a short walk to the shops to distract your mind from the chaos
- Establish boundaries: Politely excuse yourself from uncomfortable conversations, you find yourself remaining calm and not spiking stress levels unlike others around you. You will feel much better for removing yourself from the situation than being involved
- Eat stress-reducing foods: Include magnesium-rich greens and omega-3s to regulate cortisol naturally, this can be anything from broccoli to dark chocolate. It also has other benefits by regulating neurotransmitters and reduces muscle tension
- Lean on humour: Light-hearted jokes can ease tension. Laughing is an excellent way to reduce stress as it enhances your oxygen-rich air that simulates your heart, lungs and muscles increasing the endorphins that are released in your brain
- Prepare “holiday scripts”: Use neutral phrases like, “Let’s save this for another time,” to defuse conflict, this can help you move on quicky before things escalate and putting others minds onto the next topic to hope for them to forget about that certain conversation you wanted to avoid
Good luck!