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Not all relationships start off romantically. In fact, a lot of people aren’t looking for romance in a coupling – sometimes we just want a casual fling with no strings attached. Hookups can be fun and freeing if neither party wants more.
But things can get a little awkward if someone starts to catch feelings, as is the case for this week’s reader, Alice. “How do you tell a man you really like him? It started out sexually but now I’m developing feelings for him,” Alice writes.
This can be a difficult one to navigate. Should she express how she feels? And what should she do if those feelings aren’t reciprocated? BACP-listed couples counsellor Laila Fish is on hand to help
How do you tell someone you’ve developed feelings?
Fish encourages Alice to be honest with the other person as this will help avoid complications in the future. “I would suggest finding the right time to let him know how you are feeling, where you are not going to be interrupted,” she says.
“This will probably feel nerve-wracking but I would encourage you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Your feelings are important and you need to acknowledge and validate them.”
“Some suggestions to approach this with him could be stating how much you have valued your time together, and how the relationship makes you feel,” she adds. “Take a deep breath, and try to be calm.”
How do you transition from a hookup to romance?
The transition from a sexual relationship to a romantic one can be tricky.
“Recognising the differences in these types of relationships is important,” says Fish. This be mean working out boundaries in the newly developing dynamic.
“Will you see each other more or less, and will you see other people sexually? It’s also important to consider expectations in any new type of relationship, for example: what does being in a couple mean to you?”
Focus on communication as this is often first to fail in a relationship, Fish adds.
What if the feelings aren’t reciprocated?
Alice should bear in mind that sharing her feelings will change the relationship, Fish says. It has to. But either they’ll work towards a romantic relationship or she’ll have to decide if she can continue sleeping with someone who doesn’t have feelings for her.
“You may want to consider what is it that you looking for in a relationship,“says Fish to anyone in a similar position. “Are you able to continue the sexual relationship and manage the gaps this may be leaving for you?” she asks.
“Ultimately, it’s difficult to rewind romantic feelings once we have these towards someone. If the feelings are not reciprocated, how will that leave you feeling?
“You may feel rejected and ‘not good enough’, so continuing with a sexual relationship may be tempting – but ultimately your self-worth and self-esteem are the most important to consider.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.