Twitanic 3D: If the Titanic Had Twitter

There's a massive billboard in the Bank underground of that kid who played Gilbert Grape lovingly looking into the eyes of the naughty nun from. Which can only mean one thing; Celine Dion is looking good for some royalties.
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There's a massive billboard in the Bank underground of that kid who played Gilbert Grape lovingly looking into the eyes of the naughty nun from The Extras. Which can only mean one thing; Celine Dion is looking good for some royalties.

As the Queen drops 20 quid into a card marking the Titanic's 100 years, James Cameron's epic is flooding back into theatres for a whole new generation of enjoy.

Ah. But here be a problem. (Why has no one done a pirate parody of Titanic?)

Today's youth, with their penchant for sodomising the English language into single syllables, acronyms and initialisms, doesn't want to spend three hours waiting for the boat to sink (even if Kate Winslet's necklace is in 3D).

So it got me thinking; what would the story have been like on Twitter?

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

Pfft Queens. Full house FTW! #comingtoamerica

Tommy Ryan @I_heart_Spaghetti

My meatballs are tingling! #comingtoamerica

Eddie Murphy @delirious

Those were the days #comingtoamerica

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

Haha. What happened to you, man? LOL RT: @delirious Those were the days #comingtoamerica

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

Hmmm, I don't think the Titanic has enough lifeboats if it randomly hits something in the ocean and begins to sink

Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom

@DoubleD_Witt This is why women aren't allowed to learn long division #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome

Bruce Ismay @Heres_to_the_men

@The_Phantom Here Here! Moustache! Fiduciary! Testicles! #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome

Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin

@DoubleD_Witt Whatevs. I have blueprints. If you were a man, you'd know nothing goes wrong when you have blueprints

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Just_shippin But what about a head on collision?

Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin

LMFAO RT: @Just_shippin But what about a head on collision?

Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom

@Just_shippin I here ya barking big dog #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome

Bruce Ismay @Heres_to_the_men

@Just_shippin @The_Phantom Our chromosomes will protect us! #menwhodrinkbrandyareawesome

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Just_shippin What about from the side?

Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin

@ DoubleD_Witt Hahahahahaha Whatevs.

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

I'm the king of the world! #onaboatlikeleo

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

This boat is shit.

Thomas Andrews @Just_shippin

@DoubleD_Witt YOU ARE! #LegaliseMarriageToAquaticMachinery

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

Just saved a hottie from going over board. Thinking I might take her below deck. If you know what I mean.

Tommy Ryan @I_heart_Spaghetti

@Growing_Pains Immigrant 'so you think you can dance'? Is that what you mean?

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@I_heart_Spaghetti LOL yeah, sure #nothingcouldtearusapart

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Draw me like I'm French

James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D

@DoubleD_Witt Jesus CUT! It's 'DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS'

Rose getting her lines right #unobtanium

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@3D3D3D3D3D3D unobtanium? Now your just making stuff up.

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Pencil me like France

James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D

@DoubleD_Witt Are you kidding me? #shoudhavegotsigourney

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@DoubleD_Witt I'm thinking mixed-media impressionist potato stamping

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Draw me like one of your French girls #dontfearthebush

James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D

@DoubleD_Witt Farking Finally!

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

Oh snap. I see London, I see France! Those are niiiiiiiiccce. http://tinyurl.com/7nzefe5

Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom

@DoubleD_Witt WTF? http://tinyurl.com/7nzefe5

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@The_Phantom Ummm, I've met someone soz

Cal Hockley @The¬_Phantom

@DoubleD_Witt if this has anything to do with the stain in my car, I'm not going to be happy

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@The_Phantom haha sorry bro.

Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout

@ParisHilton Your video keeps me warm in the crows nest

Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout

The fuck is that?

First Officer William Murdoch @alwaysthebridesmaid

@on_the_lookout Cripes Fred, keep it wrapped would you?

Federick Fleet @on_the_lookout

@alwaysthebridesmaid Left! Turn left!

Derek Zoolander @orangemochafrappecino

@on_the_lookout If only...

Ice Berg @TheBigChill

Chillin like a villain

Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO

Ouch! WTF was that?

Ice Berg @TheBigChill

@UnsinkableMOFO Soz bro. You got heaps of lifeboats though, right?

Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO

@TheBigChill I knew that was gonna come up

Captain Edward John Smith @Down_with_the_ship

Scotch scotch scotch scotch scotch

Titanic @UnsinkableMOFO

I think I just threw my back out #snappedlikeatwig

James Cameron @3D3D3D3D3D3D

@UnsinkableMOFO Money shot! #bluealiens

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@DoubleD_Witt Are you cold?

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Nah, not reals

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@DoubleD_Witt Reckon I can get a spot on whatever you're floating on?

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Don't forget me Rose

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@DoubleD_Witt That's my line

Rose DeWitt Bukater @DoubleD_Witt

@Growing_Pains Jack, teach me how to swallow like a man

Jack Dawson @Growing_Pains

@DoubleD_Witt (inaudible drowning) #bitchesbecrazy

Celine Dion @lalalalalalala

My heart will gon ananananand oonnnnnnnnnn!

Terrence&Philip @ BarkBarkPurrPurr

@lalalalalalala STFU! You ruined Canada, uncle f*cker!

Pretty sure that's how it went. Could be different in 3D though.