Wouldn't it be great if you were able to pack your post baby vagina off post labour to a retreat where she receives some much needed TLC? A nip and a tuck and then sent back to you all shiny, new and as snug as ever? I can already here the unanimous sigh of relief from women world wide as we imagine this as a possibility. Uncross our legs in tandom and rejoice in the fact that our most intimate area, regardless of birth trauma will come out the other side, intact, pain free and recharged.
Your vagina would return to you like a long lost friend. Happy and excited to see you. Eager to catch up and no mention of the dreaded favour you once asked her to do in order for you to become a mother.
Why oh why did Mother bloody Nature not make vagina rehab part of the post birth recovery process for exhausted vaginas? Rather than weeks of ice packs and stomach churning squirms as every move, no matter how slight, makes you feel as if you are ripping your stitches into a never ending hole down there, wouldn't it be much more civilised and humane to pack your poor vagina off to recuperate in style?
Picture it now.... Sunshine drenched days filled with luxurious soaks and cooling wraps. Gentle toning classes and a full Brazilian make over would be the order of the five star Vagina Retreat. Topped off with hours lounging by a pool whilst being fanned by the hot pool boy!
Pure vagina bliss.
Let's face it, it's the very least we can do. As yes, the Mother Nature amnesia is handy to a point, but seriously no amount of fluffy, happy inducing hormones will ever fully mask the horror of childbirth or kid you out of the fact that your vagina feels and quite frankly looks (if you're brave enough to take a peek) like forlorn road kill left out in the sun for too long. Therefore, you tell me one post baby vagina out there that does not deserve this sort of hedonistic recuperation? Or one mum who's body image and sexuality would not benefit from the relief of the knowledge that all has been restored to normal and they can now continue with the task of being a mum and a partner without having to get their head around the pain and the impromptu leaks for weeks to come?
Failing a futuristic miracle of epic Hollywood block buster proportions, where women are able to safely and successfully detach their nether regions and check them into vagina rehab and continue life as normal. Us mums instead need to rely on our own ingenuity and grit to ensure our vagina is fully recovered and back on speaking and pro creating terms with us.
So what option is left to us mums when it comes to replicating a bit of our very own DIY Vagina Rehab? Yes you guessed it. Nothing but pure dedication and bloody hard work is what is needed to regain the trust of your post baby vagina. Pelvic floor exercises completed as often as you remember throughout your pregnancy and post birth, a good perineum cream, salt baths and lots of ice. It may not sound like vagina Barbados but God it will be worth it when you can walk straight again and don't have to worry about unwanted trickles of wee haunting your every laugh, cough or sneeze.
On the off chance that the biatch that is Mother Nature happens to be tuned in I have a message for her from us mums in recovery or about to face it. Listen up lady and listen up good. If you want us women to continue with this whole pro creation thing you have going on then at least have the decency to equip us with the tools to recover from it in the best shape possible. Namely our vaginas intact and in just as good or even better shape than before. If you want us to keep putting our vaginas through this savagery of stretching, that far out shines the elasticity of penis puppetry then I suggest you start booking locations, preferably of the far flung variety and commence with the recruitment of the hot pool boys (of which we are of course happy to advise on).
In the meantime, I guess, once again it's down to us kick ass ladies to sort ourselves out and do all we can to ensure we regain the trust of our beloved vaginas before we ask them to go near a penis let alone a labour ward again.
Over the next month The Baby Bible will be releasing a series of articles raising the lid on post baby vaginas and raising awareness of the Vagina Appreciation Campaign. Come join us as we deal with the unspoken truths of motherhood head on, supporting mums and worn out vaginas everywhere!
Want to discuss how you are feeling about being a mum, warts and all, NO JUDGEMENT? Come join the No Bullshit Mum Revolution and pop into The Confessional to chat to other likeminded and straight talking mums, follow us on Twitter @thebabybible and on the closed Facebook Group by sending your email address to Olivia@the-baby-bible.com