With Paddy still on his summer holidays studying gorillas with Sigourney Weaver, this week's newsbeat is patrolled by Irish comedian Ryan Cullen. He's pretty truncheon-happy.
Another US intervention? Syriasely?
Feeling quite nostalgic? Feel like we have been here before? You should. In the past few days, a divided US Senate Foreign Relations Committee approved an authorization of a military intervention against the Syrian government, creating a mixture of showdowns as exciting as the new series of the X Factor. Assad day for all Syrians? Putin putting a saucepan over his head for the inevitable media battle with Obama (and possibly gays)?
If you look up hegemony in the Dictionary, you will find a picture of Harry Truman, but if you look closer, Harry Truman is holding up a picture of Obama. As the Senate decided if Obama should have the authority to strike, the usual suspect John McCain turned off his Angry Birds, tightened his bandana, paused his iPod (even during a Bruce Springsteen song) and thought to himself "This is what I have been waiting for. This will make George proud". As well all know, the best way to stop Syrians killing other Syrians, is to kill even more Syrians.
The media carousel sped up (flinging a few children off too, mind you) and like a family feud over a game of 'Risk', Putin has threatened to turn over the entire board if Obama decides that his figurines need a little Mediterranean sun holiday. Although the CIA believes Syria has had a chemical weapons programme "for years and already has a stockpile of CW agents which can be delivered by aircraft, ballistic missile, and artillery rockets". Assad has tried to pass off his army of Sarin and mustard gas as nothing but low grade Cillit Bang with Obama masturbating over images of Jordan (if only it were the model we were talking about).
Bold Ariel! And I'm not talking about different types of detergent. Ariel Castro has now finally achieved something in life that has made people smile, by simply dying. Although sounding like an Argentinian full back Castro has decided to end his life only one month into his life sentence after some of the most horrific of crimes. His suicide lead to a Twitter frenzy that could only be matched by something as exciting as Kate Middleton cutting her toenails over the toilet bowl.
As Tony Abbott and his conservative Coalition prepare to clean up the Australian elections, Japan's clean up looks like it will cost more than Boris Johnson's attempt to look like Boris Becker pumped full of Bovril. With an approximate $500 million dollars being spent trying to contain contaminated radioactive water, President Shinzo Abe must be devastated by the rising debt problems as well as the disappointment with the lack of any type of superhero to rise from the accident.
In lighter yet equally as expensive news, the Transfer Window has closed for teams competing in this year's Premier League. With the hundreds of millions spent on ball kickers, not one club has decided to develop another way of completing transfers other than the beloved fax machine. WHO USES FAX MACHINES? The big talking point was the inevitable transfer of Gareth Bale, who looked amazingly at the thousands of people who attended his Real Madrid presentation as well as the device they call a 'Camera'. In an embarrassing moment, his attempt at kick ups could have been matched by Stephen Hawking.
Oh and also, Kate Middleton is thinking about changing her bedroom wallpaper to a less offensive beige, as she feels the current wallpaper is 'too loud' for the baby.