What's really sexy in the bedroom? It's a tough question but a nut I've worked hard to crack. Here's six styles I've trialled on six guys and marked out of 10.
(Agent Provocateur, if you're reading this, ignore the weird ones, see me as a class act and send me some satin and lace pro bono. Thanks.)
No. 1: The Classic - 7/10
If this guy had his way (he rarely did), I would be dressed like a character from Mad Men. He hated my large collection of fake fur jumpers and unusual patterned trousers. Now, I know you're probably thinking "that sounds pretty sweet". But in the bedroom it was a never ending stream of suspenders, lace top stockings, uncomfortable black bras that couldn't actually be worn under anything. Which was boring.
No. 2: The Role Player - 2/10
I don't know how much money I spent on Ann Summers policewoman and nurse outfits - this was a dark time for me. I wanted a real police woman outfit, real scrubs - to do things properly! But it wasn't what he had in mind. Credit where it's due, he had lots of ideas - French maid, slutty army cadet, air hostess - but none of them were particularly imaginative. As a grown woman, the schoolgirl thing is gross, but I was younger then and less aware of what's gross and what's well, not gross. I was also pretty pissed off when I was told it was ridiculous that I wanted to be the doctor. He didn't last long.
No. 3: Business Woman - 5/10
This guy liked his women imperious. Lots of peering over glasses, lots of pretend of paperwork, lots of dominating chat. It crept into the older woman fantasy pretty quickly which is nearly as disconcerting as the previously mentioned schoolgirl thing. I even once wore a twin set.. A twin set! You're not a woman until you've had sex with someone while wearing a cardigan.
No. 4 - Trash Lover - 7/10
American Apparel and eBay became my best friends. Metallic tube dresses, glittery high waisted shorts, I even had a diamante bra at one point. I bought shoes that lit up and had too many different shades of bright pink lipstick. It was a different type of tarty - outrageous, glittery, sort of space age Barbie, if you will.
No. 5: Goth - 8/10
What it says on the tin. Lots of heavy black make-up. Platforms. Numerous fun colourful hair clip-in extensions. A whole lot of fun. Corsets are a nightmare though, so I've knocked a couple of points off for rib-ache.
No. 6: The Wild Card - 10/10
This final guy is a young, self-made businessman which blows all this 50 Shades Of Grey nonsense out the water. This modern man, my favourite, for obvious reasons, is the guy who liked lounge wear. Something about a slight chavvy grey marl jogger bottom seemed to push his buttons - which worked out pretty well for me. Full marks!
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