It’s happened to most of us: You’ve been invited to a holiday gathering and when you ask what you can bring, the host says, “We’re all set, just bring yourselves!” While you may feel a sigh of relief you don’t need to make a complicated dish, should you really show up with nothing?
“I’m not bringing something for the meal if I’ve been told not to,” shared Jodi RR Smith, owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. “[But] I do not believe in arriving empty-handed.”
We asked Smith and other modern etiquette experts about what they do when the host says not to bring anything, plus tips for gifts that hosts actually want — and what to avoid.
Don’t bring anything that creates more work for your host.
“Respecting a host’s request to not bring anything is polite, but a small token that won’t disrupt their plans can still be a nice gesture,” said Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and co-host of the “Were You Raised By Wolves?” podcast.
For example, while a bouquet of flowers is a common host gift, our etiquette experts advised against showing up with flowers that are wrapped.
“Instead of greeting their guests and getting the meal prepared, [the host] has to stop, find a vase, cut the flowers, [and arrange them in the vase],” Smith said. “Either send flowers before [or after the event] … or if you’re showing up with flowers, they need to already be arranged.”
Arriving with a dish for the meal, if not explicitly asked, can also make more work for the host. Depending on what you bring, the host may need to warm up your dish, find a serving platter or utensil for it, and make room for it on the table.
“I am not going to show up with my [own dish like a] green bean casserole when they told me not to bring anything because they may already be doing their own green bean casserole,” Smith added.
Plus, you don’t know if the host has prepared the meal to accommodate guests with certain dietary restrictions or allergies, she said.
“Your host has the menu sorted out already, and anything extra to eat or drink might just throw a wrench in their plans,” Leighton explained.
Avoid bringing gifts that the host won’t be able to use.
“I don’t want … [to bring] something that they have to keep, especially if [I’m] not sure of their taste,” Smith said.
For instance, if you bring the host a giant sign that says “Live, Love, Laugh” and they’ve already decorated their home, you don’t want them to feel obligated to keep it, she said.
You also want to consider if the host has any allergies or dietary restrictions, Smith added. If the host doesn’t drink alcohol, you don’t want to give them a bottle of wine. If they have a gluten intolerance, you don’t want to show up with a loaf of your homemade bread (unless it’s gluten-free, of course).
Consider gifts that are for the host and not the event.
While sending flowers in advance or arriving with flowers in a vase is a considerate gesture, our experts said it’s also nice to think of gifts that are just for the host and can be used after the event.
“[When] I … bring something that’s a treat for them … I will say [something like], ‘This is a box of gourmet chocolates. Tuck it away. It is not for today. This is for you to have tomorrow when you’re relaxing.’”
Another idea is to arrive with something like a basket of muffins that the host could eat the next morning, said Diane Gottsman, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and owner of The Protocol School of Texas. Or bring a bottle of wine that they can enjoy at a later time.
“Don’t bring a chilled bottle of wine because it suggests you want them to serve it rather than save it for later,” she added.
Some of Smith’s other go-to host gifts: decorative towels, cocktail napkins, beeswax candles, guest soaps and lotions.
Arrive with a gift that shows you know the host’s interests.
“Every host is different, and it’s important to give a gift that shows you put thought into it,” Gottsman said. “A nice bottle of olive oil for the cook … a local honey and a pretty serving knife for the sweet tooth host, [or] a bottle of nice wine or box of toffee for someone you know loves [that] particular brand.”
In the past, Smith has given a gift card for a place she knows the host likes, such as for a manicure at their favourite salon. If the host has a pet or kid, Smith likes to bring a gift for them, like a chew toy for a dog or a Matchbox car for a young child.
There are other ways to show appreciation besides a gift.
While it’s a nice gesture to show up with something for the host, Leighton said it’s not “strictly necessary.” He does recommend “reciprocating the invitation with one of your own,” like inviting them to one of your events or just to get together.
“Whatever you do, just remember to reach out to your host afterwards with a note of thanks,” he said. “[Send] a text at a minimum, but a handwritten note is truly the best way to get invited back in the future.”