Our lives are punctuated by love and loss, but when these losses do happen, it can feel incredibly lonely and isolating.
As we try to recover from losing somebody close to us, many of us try to find routes out of the pain, which we do by racing through the stages of grief, putting time limits on our pain and monitoring our own responses to see if they are “correct” in the face of loss.
Conversely, when somebody we love is bereaved, knowing what is the “right” thing to do can seem impossible. You want to make space for their distress without triggering them, or pressuring them to speak about a sensitive subject they might not be ready to yet.
For something so common, grief can feel like a minefield.
With this in mind, HuffPost UK spoke to Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director of Bereavement at the UK bereavement charity Sue Ryder about seven myths many of us falsely believe about grief, and how to combat them...
Myth 1: I need to ‘be strong’ in the face of my bereavement and ‘get over’ my grief
Neumann advised: “Everyone grieves differently. You don’t need to put on a brave face for everyone or avoid talking about how you are feeling.
“In fact, showing your true feelings can help both you and those around you, as they’ll gain a better understanding of how you might be feeling and know how and when to support you, in a way that’s sensitive to your grief.”
She explained that feeling sad, anxious or just “not yourself” is a normal reaction in grief, adding: “If you do cry it isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s the language our bodies uses when words aren’t enough or can’t be used to express how we feel.”
As for “getting over” the loss, Neumann advised that it’s not something you move on from, but instead build your life around.
She said: “Many find ways to honour and remember the person who has died, while continuing to live their own lives. Your grief won’t suddenly disappear, in fact during difficult times, you might even find that it grows.”
Myth 2: Crying is a necessary part of grief. If I don’t cry, it means I’m not grieving properly
Neumann said: “Crying is a common emotional response to sadness but it’s not the only one.”
She added that some people grieve inwardly or may express their emotions in different ways, such as through silence, withdrawal, or even humour.
“If you aren’t crying it doesn’t mean you aren’t feeling pain just as deeply as others. It may be that crying is an unfamiliar way for you to display your emotions, or you might find it culturally inappropriate,” she claimed.
Neumann also said that grief isn’t always emotional: “It can affect relationships, finances, our views of the world and bring about many other losses too.”
If you are crying, she said that it is often a sign to others that we need support.
“Research says we need networks around us when we grieve. Without people around us we are more likely to feel lonely, which could lead to further health problems,” she pointed out. “Make sure you have people around you, even if that means just talking to one person about how you are feeling.”
Myth 3: Grief only lasts about a year and then it will completely go away
While a time frame would be ideal for some of us, Neumann stated that there isn’t really a specific time frame for grief.
“How long it takes can differ from person to person. Some people may feel profound grief for years, while others may adjust more quickly. It’s a personal process that can resurface or creep up on you at unexpected moments,” she explained.
Just as she’d said we grow around bereavement, Neumann also said that it can appear when we don’t expect it to: “Even when you feel at peace with your bereavement or it has been a long time, there will be moments like birthdays or anniversaries, or certain scents, noises, memories or places that might spark grief in you and all the emotions that can come with it.”
She assured: “Just remember that grief is not simply one moment in time, it becomes part of your timeline instead.
“Go at your own pace and don’t feel pressured to be over your grief or be told that you have moved on too quickly. You may have cultural, community or faith-based rituals you might have to follow but it is important to remember it is your grief.”
Myth 4: I will go through the five stages of grief
We are all familiar with the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
However, Neumann said that grief is not quite as predictable as these stages may have led you to believe.
“Grief is not a linear process,” she insisted. “People may experience these stages in a different order, skip stages, or revisit them at various times. Often, people’s grief can be triggered by a smell, memory or life event and we can feel everything we felt when we were first grieving, all over again. ”
Grief is unique to everyone, as are the emotions and feelings they might experience and the support they might need to process their grief.
Myth 5: Everyone who experiences a bereavement needs professional support
Grief is personal, and not everyone requires professional help, like bereavement counselling. It’s not one size fits all and what helps someone may not help someone else.
Neumann said: “Some may find comfort in peer support, like Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Community, a forum where people can talk to others who are grieving, available 24/7 for those who might be feeling isolated.
“Support from strangers can be powerful, in the absence of a handbook on grief we learn through those who have lived it longer than us, on how to survive it. Others may benefit more from emotional or practical help from family or friends. Listening and offering practical support, like errands, can be most helpful.”
However, some signs that you may need professional support include a lack of energy, feelings of depression, anxiety or panic attacks.
Finding unhealthy ways to cope, such as heavier drinking, are also often a trigger that people need more support. If things don’t improve you should see your GP or contact the NHS 111 service. They will be able to help you find the right support.
Myth 6: Don’t mention the person who has died to someone grieving, as it might upset them.
Neumann said: “When someone has died, it can be hard to know what to say. However, simply acknowledging the death with “I’m sorry for your loss” is a thoughtful place to start. Grief is personal and varies, so avoid assumptions about how they might be feeling.
“Many grieving individuals appreciate being able to talk freely about their emotions. Let them know you’re there to listen if they wish to share. Often, people also find comfort in reminiscing and sharing all sorts of memories of the person who has died.”
Myth 7: People only grieve for the people they have loved
As some of us are all too aware, grief isn’t always about the death of someone who was an important, loving part of your life.
Neumann said: “Relationships can be complicated, and some may involve trauma, chaos or absence. People might grieve not only for the person but for what never was.
“For those who faced abuse or a damaging influence, the person’s death might bring feelings of relief, anger or sorrow — not just for the person, but for the loss of hope that the relationship could change.”
She added that grief can be complex and conflicted, especially when the relationship was difficult. Remember, your grief is valid, no matter the nature of the relationship.
These myths can often put pressure on people to grieve in certain ways, but it is important to recognise that grief is a highly individual experience, and there is no absolute right way to go through it.
Sue Ryder is a national palliative care and bereavement support charity. It offers a range of free online bereavement support, including an online bereavement community, online bereavement counselling and a text-message based, Grief Coach, which sends free expert grief support straight to your phone.
From more information visit sueryder.org/bereavementsupport