The Big Questions.
I thought I would be a no nonsense mum when it came to the 'awkward' or 'embarrassing' things that my children would ask. The big questions. I admire those mums who use the correct words for body parts, I really do. But I can't say penis without giggling.
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I completely understand the argument that we should be upfront and honest with our kids. We should be grown ups about it. But! When the big one asked me what girls have instead of willies (yes we call them willies in our house) my brain went into panic mode. Seriously, there were alarm bells screeching in my head and a million thoughts zooming around, all trying to be heard over the racket:
Don't call it a noo noo.
What do other people call it?
This is going to effect the rest of his life. No pressure!
Seriously don't call it a noo noo.
Why is he asking ME this, why can't he ask his father these questions?
Is he too young?
I'm sweating.
Vagina is the way to go.
Ok you've totally got this.
No noo noos around here.
Vagina Vagina Vagina.
Deep breath....
"Girls have a front bottom darling."
*Face palms. You are such a noo noo.
To be fair, I think I've gotten away with avoiding this question for quite a while with rapid subject changes.. Most of these conversations have unsurprisingly taken place when I am accompanied to the toilet:
"Oh no Mummy! Your willy fell off."
"No! Mummy doesn't have a willy."
"How does the wee come out?"
"Would you like some chocolate?"
"Yes please, can I eat it in the lounge and watch TV?"
"Of course."
See, nicely avoided. Perfect parenting by anyone's standard.
Some questions I thought I was prepared for. When I was pregnant with the little one I assumed the "where do babies come from?" question was inevitable. The husband and I even discussed what we would tell him. Except he didn't ask. The months ticked by, my stomach grew bigger, and there was no mention of how the baby got inside mummy's tummy. Nothing! But then one day he asked, "Mummy, how is the baby going to get out of your tummy?"
Damn it. We hadn't prepared for that one.
When he eventually did ask the big question a few months ago, I gave him the rehearsed answer. "Daddy planted a special seed in Mummy's tummy." Given he is a six year old boy, and one of his favourite past times is running around the playground with his mates shouting "BUM" "POO" and "WILLIES", less information is definitely more. Except he had more questions. Damn it:
"Where did Daddy get the seed from?"
Shit! Why didn't we prepare for more questions?
"It's a special seed you get when you are a grown up to make babies."
Nice one!
"So how did Daddy put the seed inside your tummy?"
Seriously kid, what's with all the questions? What are you trying to do to me?
"Errr ummmm Daddy gave Mummy a special cuddle."
"Oh."
OK, you've got away with it. nicely done.
"Did Daddy put the seed up your bottom?"
*hides face in kitchen cupboard whilst laughing uncontrollably.
(And no, he most certainly didn't, just in case you are wondering!)
I am actually learning things from him at the moment. The other day he told me he had a 'widgie'...
"Do you mean a wedgie?"
"No, a widgie. Do you know what a widgie is?"
"No."
"It's when your willy gets stuck to your balls."
So. Now I know.
I can handle the questions about death, bad people and sad things. I can administer hugs and reassurance no problem. But when it comes to body parts and sex, it turns out I am far from a no nonsense mum. But that might be a good thing.
Last week we were in the queue at the supermarket surrounded by old ladies when he said, "Mummy, I love my little brother so much". Cue lots of ahhs from the surrounding bystanders. "I'm so glad Daddy gave you that special cuddle." Ahem.
I still think it sounds better than a six-year old saying "I'm so glad you and Daddy had sexual intercourse." And way better than "I'm so glad Daddy put his special seed up your bottom."
I'm hoping by the time the little one starts asking the big questions I'll have all the answers. Failing that I'm resorting to, "Ask Daddy."
Are you a no nonsense mum when it comes to answering your kids questions, or do you find yourself floundering and getting a bit sweaty?
For more from Claire check out her blog Life, love and Dirty Dishes or follow her on facebook.