Alternative title: It's probably farting about in a field somewhere pretending it is The Incredible Sulk or something ...
I'm back at my PWP's office and she's shaking her head at my latest assessment scores, concern etched into her features, both my Anxiety and Depression levels appear to have doubled since our last meeting (I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me that). I watch a bobble on the carpet, I focus on it, as though it'd disappear under my glare if I stared intently enough ...
"What happened?" She asks.
"I don't know ..." I utter, eyes still on the bobble "I genuinely don't know".
...
I can't always explain why it happens, why a dark fog just envelopes my whole being and slowly starts to smother me, why my thoughts turn against me, why I can't just "put my face straight".
I wish I could, dear gods I wish I could ... I wish I could identify what the trigger was (though I doubt it was just one thing), I wish there was a way in which I could just click my fingers and switch off the Depression / Anxiety, I wish I could manage it better than I can at the moment, I wish but wishes don't always come true (not without effort at least).
...
In the meantime I'd settle for a mute button for all those currently telling me that I have a "face like a slapped arse and if the wind changes it'll stay like that so I'd better put it right". Quite frankly if I want to use my resting bitch face all day everyday then I'm going to do so...
And if I look like I'm lost then chances are I feel lost too.
Eventually I will learn what the triggers are ... Whether it be a major life event or a minor blip that snowballs into the size of Hellvelyn! Eventually I will learn ways in which to manage my disorders better ...
Eventually.
For once the waiting room was ALL mine! So I could fuss and fidget to my heart's (brain's) content ...
Now if you'll excuse me lovelies, I'm carrying a bit of lurgy at the minute too so I'm going to cuddle up in a duvet to watch "Galaxy Quest" and remember the time I made Alan Rickman smile a little by saying "dude, I think you are amazing" in my dulcet Northern tones ... Amazing is an understatement! I can't actually express in words what Alan Rickman meant to me, and I'm sure any attempt I make would pale into comparison to the real thing. All I can say is my heart is broken.
R x
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