I consider myself to be a fairly well-rounded individual, I pride myself on my sense of humour, loyalty and breathtaking constitution for wine. However, life as it is, I am not totally perfect. Shocking I know but yes, I have faults.
Last night I recognised one such fault, when attending a friend's birthday party. That being my inability to commit to challenges set for myself, or better put, my inability to resist temptation. I start most weeks with every intention of remaining dry and inevitably fail the minute the suggestion of warm summer evenings and bottles of Sauvignon Blanc are brought to my attention. When dating I toy with the idea of replacing this habit with an evening 'enjoying' a physical activity. A date walking around a park or playing tennis is a nice idea but then so is redecorating my flat and cleaning my car. I am very good at ideas.
So it would seem that, despite my best intentions, there are certain habits I will struggle to break. I will always drink wine, have two year old copies of gossip magazines under my bed and drive a car so rancid it shocks me every time I find it parked up that it hasn't yet been removed by the environmental crime unit. Clean cars and sobriety are not my strong points.
I am what some would refer to as a slut.
The word slut traditionally comes with negative connotations. It implies the owner of such a label is promiscuous and out of control. It is used as a derogatory term, as an insult or with intention to offend.
Insulted? Offended? Not in the slightest.
Yes, people I am indeed 'A woman of loose morals, untidy and slovenly.'
Because here's the thing. Women of this world fall into two categories. Sluts (see above) and non-sluts. A non-slut is a woman who prides herself on her immaculate appearance, exercises regularly and eats a balanced dairy/sugar/wheat free diet. She does not drink to excess and knows her limits in all areas of life. This woman does not smoke, dislikes bad language and has clean guest towels and White Company hand soap. She does not have chipped nails and has her car fully valeted monthly. She enjoys hosting dinner parties for close friends and doesn't 'get' pubs. She has never had a one night stand and married her third boyfriend.
A non-slut will make an excellent girlfriend and will not embarrass you in front of your parents or call you a lying arsehole when she's had too much to drink and, in a paranoid rage, has convinced herself that you have slept with her best friend.
The slut however, will.
'The slut' is a slightly more unhinged variety of women. One whom, despite the financial capability to appear well turned out, never quite manages to do so. A true slut has limited rationale and very little resistance to temptation. If there is a cake she will eat it, a cigarette she will smoke it, a drink she will guzzle it and an available penis, most likely sit on it. She will choose fun over everything - including house tidying, nail painting, car cleaning, organic quinoa salad making and exercise bike riding. She swears regularly and lost her virginity in a threesome. She washes with fairy liquid when there's nothing else available and shaves her bikini line when she hasn't got time for a wax.
She will forget to put her knickers back on after she has had sex with you and not bother with a new pair for the rest of the day.
She will not make your bed, shower after sex, know how to cook or come top of your list of potential new wives.
Being a slut has nothing to do with looks. A slut will not necessarily be beautiful, thin or classically attractive in the slightest, but she will be a slut, which you will find, will most likely make up for all physical short falls because being a slut does not mean she is promiscuous, it means that she cares little of what others think, follows her own rules and, as a consequence, is unlikely to ever bore you. Her life is her own, one which she will willingly let you into it but will never let you rule.
Indeed, there is little point in fighting it. My advice to women? Love the slut you're in and the next time your boyfriend complains about the mess, ask him what he'd rather - clean towels or a show stopping blow job.
There is a reason why dull women have tidy homes.