Hearing the wonderful news of someone's pregnancy should and does fill most people with joy. Instead, it fills me with gratitude. I'm thankful that it's them and not me.
All I can think about is how a baby will affect their life. How will it affect their career? Will their relationship hold out long enough for the child to be brought up in a secure environment? Will they ever sleep again? Was it planned? Why have they done this? And so young.
Most of the people my age have had babies or are pregnant. Am I supposed to start thinking about this stuff at 25? My only concern is having a secure career in order to eventually buy a house with my boyfriend. Well, that and the desire to get another furry playmate for my 14 month old Boston Terrier. Am I allowed to melt when I see a puppy but not feel much at the sight of a baby?
I really wonder why there is such a rush to reproduce. I wonder why I often find myself isolated in the thought that a secure job and a home are the main pillars that we require to have the freedom to even think about starting a family.
Then I decided to stop beating myself up. I don't want a wedding and I don't really have a desire, right now at least, to have children either. And that's OK I think. Not all women want the 2.4 children lifestyle, right?
Weddings are lovely and all. But to have a wedding in 2014, could cost the same as a potential deposit on a first home, and call me crazy, I'd rather spend it on the deposit. Not only that, but weddings have evolved into elaborate affairs in place for people to show their friends they've "made it". My idea of making it is somewhat different. A great job, perhaps? If I did do the wedding thing, I would much rather something small, intimate, with the people I love. Something that I don't need to get out a loan for.
The few weddings I've been to, and it hasn't been many in recent years because I actively decided to stop going to them, have looked frankly unpleasant. I'm not talking about the colour schemes or the flower arrangements, although there have been some questionable ones, I'm rather referring to the mechanics of it all, and the fact that it is such a stressful environment. The bride looks flustered, nervous and upset about something at some point, all the while people are being escorted, or rather hurried along, into the banqueting hall or champagne reception or whatever the case may be. None of which, in all the weddings I have ever attended, has been romantic.
I can't help but wonder how much money goes into these events. The centerpieces, the flowers, the four tiered cake (each with a different filling but usually marzipan topping) the chair covers, the little box of sugared almonds you get when you leave as a thank you. The food, the alcohol, the venue. And you can't help but wonder how this young couple can afford to pay for it all. All just for one day. Just one. And did they even have fun? They look tired.
Most of the time you leave that wedding and don't talk to the bride or groom for months because being married apparently takes up a lot of time. Either that or it's the baby making that's taking up a lot of time. But why the rush? Don't people have other desires? Travel, work, or even sleep? Am I just selfish? Why do I struggle so much with the idea of tying myself down to motherhood? Should I be admonished for even wording it that way? Motherhood is a beautiful gift. Why am I being so cold?
The truth is, I am happy. My career is on its way and I don't want things to change. My maternal instincts only kick in when my dog hurts his paw or has a bad tummy. Who knows, maybe as I get a little older I will change, and my desire for human dependents will grow. But for now, I am content, and a big wedding and children are not in my 5 year plan and I don't know if they ever will be. But I still can't help but think, am I normal? Are there other women like me?