You Might Be Experiencing ‘Compersion’ In Your Relationship. Here's How To Know.

Imagine you’re at a party and you spot your partner across the room, hitting it off with someone else. It’s not uncommon to experience a pang of jealousy or insecurity in this situation. But if you’ve ever felt happy, intrigued or excited by it, then you may have already had a taste of “compersion.” 

Broadly speaking, compersion is experiencing joy in response to another person’s joy, even if it does not involve or benefit you directly.  It’s similar to the Buddhist concept of “mudita,” which involves unselfish rejoicing in the good fortune of others. Think about the warm feeling you get when someone you love lands their dream job, has a baby or completes their phD program. 

Within the polyamorous community, where the term compersion originated, it refers to the positive feelings you experience when you see or know about your partner connecting with another person, either romantically or sexually. But even monogamous people can feel compersion. For example, you might get excited hearing your partner talk about a hot sexual experience from their past or feel happy watching their eyes light up as they bond with someone over a shared interest.

Dedeker Winston — co-host of the “Multiamory” podcast and co-author of “Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships” — told HuffPost that for a long time she thought compersion was just “polyamory PR.” She knew she was non-monogamous but didn’t think she was capable of feeling compersion — until one day she finally did. 

“It caught me by surprise one time when I saw my boyfriend kiss his other girlfriend on the cheek, and both of their faces lit up with smiles. There was something so joyful about that small moment between the two of them that was weirdly infectious,” she said. 

“I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a compersion junkie. Even after over a decade of non-monogamy, I would characterise my experience of my partners’ being with others as ‘optimistically neutral.’ But I do still feel compersion from time to time, and it’s a great feeling.” 

Compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive.

These two emotions can coexist, “just like happy and sad can coexist in close proximity or even simultaneously as shown with the expression ‘bittersweet,’” compersion researcher and dating and relationship coach Marie Thouin told HuffPost.

And just because you can feel both at once doesn’t mean they cancel each other out, Winston explained. 

“Our emotions are complex, and it’s valid to feel jealous that your partner is off having a fun date night while you’re at home on the couch, while also feeling happy that they are having a good time,” she said. 

Nor is compersion “an on/off switch” ― rather it’s “fluid, dynamic, and can be experienced in a variety of ways and intensities,” said Thouin.

Sarah Stroh is a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account. She told HuffPost that the first time her partner went on a date with another woman, she experienced a whole range of emotions. 

“It was excitement that we’re starting off this non-monogamy thing — which was my idea — that he’s diving into it and that we’re really trying it. There was a little bit of erotic excitement at the idea of him dating another woman.”

“But there was a lot of fear and insecurity and like, ‘Oh, my God, what’s going to happen next?’” she said.

Compersion isn’t the be-all-end-all of non-monogamous relationships.

Rather than putting compersion on a pedestal or framing it as a goal to be reached, “It should be seen as a nice bonus,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau wrote in a blog post.

Just the desire to feel compersion, whether you’ve actually experienced it or not, is “huge in and of itself,” said Stroh. 

“The desire to say: I want my partner to be happy with someone else that’s not me. Or I want my partner to have the opportunity to be happy in a sexual or a romantic way with someone else. And that he doesn’t have to depend on me as his only partner. That exclusivity doesn’t define my ability to be special or my ability to be unique or loved — it’s more than that. I think that’s, in and of itself, very valiant and important,” she said. 

In Thouin’s research, she distinguishes between two types of compersion: embodied compersion vs. attitudinal compersion. Embodied compersion is when “you genuinely get thrilled hearing about your partner’s dates and crushes,” she said. Attitudinal compersion is “a general attitude of support and positivity towards your partner’s other connections,” she said. 

“I don’t think embodied compersion is necessary at all ― it’s more of a lucky bonus when the circumstances are favourable,” Thouin said. “But attitudinal compersion is more fundamental to harmonious non-monogamous relationships.” 

Think about all of the societal messaging we receive about monogamy being the only valid, respectable paradigm for relationships. Consider, too, that jealousy may have served an adaptive function. According to evolutionary psychology, it motivates us to guard our most valued relationships and keep away potential mate poachers. It’s no wonder, then, that compersion may not always be so easy to access.

It’s important not to put pressure on yourself to feel compersion, Stroh said. Not experiencing it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you don’t want your partner to be happy.

“Accept and allow those uncomfortable feelings, too,” said Stroh. “Because there’s so much involved in those uncomfortable feelings, like the conditioning that’s just drilled into our heads throughout our whole lives: That if our partner likes someone else, then they must not like us as much and they’re going to leave us.” 

Adopting a more compersive attitude has its benefits.

Whether you’re in a consensually non-monogamous relationship or a monogamous one, fostering compersion “sets an atmosphere of mutual giving and generosity,” Thouin said. 

“If you make concerted efforts to treat your partner in ways that truly make them happy, they are likely to feel more understood, seen and appreciated — and in turn, they may feel inspired to be more generous with you,” she said.

“Compersion can create a positive feedback loop, where everyone involved is invested in their partners’ joy and well-being. In other words, it makes everyone feel more loved.” 

This approach also allows you to look at jealousy not as an emotion to stuff down or a sign the relationship is doomed, but rather as a flashlight that shows us where our needs are not being met, Thouin wrote in an article for Greater Good magazine. 

“When we develop a ‘compersive attitude,’ experiences of envy or jealousy can be framed not as a personal affront, but as an indicator that there is an opportunity to fill our individual and relational plates more abundantly,” she wrote.

If you want to cultivate compersion in your relationship, here’s how to start.

Winston said she believes we can practice compersion by “training our minds to notice the ways that another’s success delivers good things into our lives, rather than scanning for the ways that their success might be taking something away from us,” she said. 

You can start with people in your life that it’s easy to feel sympathetic joy for — like a child or close friend, Winston said. 

“If you don’t already, see what it’s like to express to that person that it brings you joy to see them feeling joyful. As you continue to practice, see what it’s like to extend this to people that you feel neutral toward, or even people that you feel a little envious of,” she added.

According to Thouin, in order to foster compersion in a relationship, you need to “clear up the blocks that prevent it from blossoming.”

These blocks might be individual things like insecurity, low self-esteem or internalised monogamous beliefs, she said. Or they could be relationship ones like poor communication, lack of boundaries, power imbalances or conflicting needs. Or the blocks might be social in nature “like lacking a supportive community that can affirm one’s choices around non-monogamy within a vastly mononormative world that stigmatises non-monogamy,” Thouin said. 

Another way to practice compersion is by “intentionally cultivating more understanding, love, connection and empathy” with your partner and their other partners (known as “metamours” in poly circles), Thouin said.  

“The better we know people, the more likely we are to care about them; and the more we care about them, the more likely we are to full-heartedly participate in their joy,” Thouin said. “So, get curious about your loved ones and their relationships.”

That said, if a person doesn’t want to be non-monogamous but is coerced into it, they are “highly unlikely” to feel compersion in the relationship, Thouin said. 

“Folks who are poly under duress may be better served by finding a monogamous relationship in which they can feel more aligned with their authentic desires,” she said. “There need not be any shame around wanting monogamy or non-monogamy. I believe relationship diversity is the way of the future.”