You've Heard Of Gentle Parenting – Now There's 'Gentle Partnering'

“Gentle parenting” has been a hot topic in parenting circles for a few years now.

Broadly speaking, “gentle parents” try to better understand the feelings and motivations behind their child’s challenging behaviour, instead of rushing to correct said behaviour. 

Proponents of the parenting philosophy believe that children can learn to manage their emotions and understand consequences if they feel safe and connected to their parents. (Gentle parenting doesn’t mean that the child always gets their way, just that their parent is receptive to hearing about their feelings and experiences.)

Though it’s not without its critics (many of whom say parenting is hard enough without feeling like you haven’t done it “gently” enough), parents who practice gentle parenting report that it has changed their relationship with their children for the better. 

Given the positive effects, some parents have started to wonder, could these techniques work for my marriage? After all, isn’t empathy and perspective-taking the cornerstone of quality adult communication as well? 

Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles, has seen “gentle parents” adopt this strategy in their marriages recently, without the moniker. 

“No one in my practice is explicitly saying, ‘I’m using gentle parenting practices in my adult relationship,’ but I have worked with several adults who, after learning about gentle parenting, began thinking more critically about how they engage with their partners and people beyond their kids,” she said. 

Is it a tad condescending to use techniques made for children on your partner? In a Reddit post, a person admitted that they were feeling a little guilty: “Am I the asshole for secretly using gentle parenting methods on my partners?” the person asked.

Maybe, some said in the comments ― it’s certainly weird to call it “gentle parenting my partner” ― but others argued that, at its core, using these techniques is “just solid non-aggressive communication.”

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a couples therapist in San Diego, California, agrees that applying gentle parenting to relationships might sound like trying to baby-proof your marriage, but it has a lot of benefits, especially in heated moments.

“Adult brains can go offline and become dysregulated just like a child’s so the effective gentle parenting communication techniques translate well in relationships, especially when a person is upset,” she said. 

Cate Kulcsar, a New Yorker and the co-host of The Happiest Girls Podcast, has been with her husband for eight years, and says gentle parenting techniques ― namely, leading with empathy and understanding ― have translated well to her marriage. 

“Obviously I am not his parent and do not want to nor feel the need to parent him, but just like when I am trying to decipher why my daughter is behaving a certain way, the same strategies can apply when attempting to understand my partner,” Kulcsar told HuffPost. 

So for instance, if she needs to constructively criticise, she uses the popular compliment sandwich approach.

“Similar to how we parent, I try to give my husband a compliment, followed by something that I do not like, followed by a suggestion with what I would like him to do instead,” Kulcsar said. “It’s never an attack, always a conversation.”

Lisa Jean-Francois, a content creator, said she and her husband of 20 years also apply gentle parenting techniques to their marriage. It’s especially helpful any time tempers are flaring or one of them feels emotionally dysregulated.

“Just like we do with our two boys, when we feel we are becoming dysregulated, we pause, take a breath, then continue the conversation,” Jean-Francois told HuffPost.

Sometimes they need more than just a breath, which is OK; they’ve learned to table the discussion until cooler heads prevail, the mom of two said.

“That was not something we did before having kids, and certainly not before we delved into parenting with intention,“ Jean-Francois said. “We’d just fly off the handle and apologise later.”

Now, the couple is far more careful with each other. “We are softer. More thoughtful. And overall, we are better friends to each other,” she said. 

It’s important to note here that Jean-Francois and her husband are both actively trying to gentle partner. These kinds of skills don’t work if there is no reciprocity in the relationship, said Sarah Spencer Northey, a marriage and family therapist in Washington, D.C.

The reciprocity is what sets “gentle parenting” apart from “gentle partnering” — and what sets a healthy adult relationship apart from a toxic one, she explained.

“We gentle parent children without the expectation that they will respond to us the same way because they are children,” she said. “Children are not developmentally capable and experienced enough to have the kind of reciprocal relationship adults can have.”

If you’re using “gentle parenting” skills with a partner who is not reciprocating the same level of attunement and consideration, “You are literally ‘gentle parenting’ an adult, and yes, that’s as bad as it sounds,” Spencer Northey said.  

And given the tendency for women to take on the lion share of emotional labor in relationships, it’s easy to see how the task of gentle partnering could easily fall on the shoulders of wives and girlfriends.

“That can definitely cause resentment over time,” said Harouni Lurie. “In many relationships, one person may naturally have more capacity to invest energy into the relationship, but it’s more meaningful and effective when both partners agree on this approach and make a shared effort to contribute equally in their own ways.” 

That said, if both you and your partner are game to try gentle partnering, therapists have some pointers on how to do it. Read them below.  

Use a soft start in your tough conversations. 

To start, approach your partner using a gentle tone, clearly stating your feelings or concerns while at the same time refraining from blame, criticism or bomb dropping, said Tracy Ross, a couples therapist in New York City. 

“Figure out a good time for the difficult conversation to happen, too,” Ross said. “No blind siding, no blaming, no kitchen sinking. You might even give the conversations a name ― it can be humorous ― even ‘our gentle partnering conversations.’”

Ross recommends using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which can set you up for a combative conversation. 

“What it all comes down to is keeping your side of the street clean — speak from your own experience, avoid blame, don’t attribute or tell your partner how they think, what they feel, what they really care about or why they are that way,” she said. “The rule is you are only allowed to talk about yourself: your feelings and your experiences.” 

Take stock of when your partner feels upset by your actions and what might be driving that. 

When both partners learn about their attachment history and understand what triggers them in a relationship, they each have a chance to regulate when negative emotions or patterns arise, said Brittany Bouffard, a psychotherapist in private practice in Denver and across Colorado.

For instance, there’s value in knowing that your husband gets defensive when someone questions his know-how because of how hyper critical his parents were of him growing up. If he can identify those for you ― and it might take a few therapy sessions for you and your partner to identify these ― you can start to be sensitive to those triggers.

“If you know that anything related to critique is triggering, you can be present for his feelings and help him to calm, rather than only blame or shame emerging,” Bouffard said. 

Try some “reflective listening.” 

You know how in all those couples therapy scenes in TV and movies the therapist will ask, “Can you repeat what your partner just said?” Annoying as it might sound, reflective listening of that kind actually works wonders, Chappell Marsh said. 

“It’s the relationship version of hitting the brakes, forcing you to take in their feelings first. It makes your partner feel validated and heard, which means they’re way more likely to stay calm when it’s your turn.” 

Chappell Marsh recommends saying, “So what I’m hearing is…” before you launch into your side of the argument. 

Extend your partner some grace and give them the benefit of the doubt. 

Like in gentle parenting, gentle partnering allows partners to witness each other as someone who is good inside, who has occasional big emotions, and who might need help expressing their own needs, Bouffard said. 

“If you arrive home to your partner suddenly aloof, or after work she turns angry, remembering your partner is good inside can bring you back to the curiosity of what might be happening, rather than, ‘I did something wrong’ or ‘What’s wrong with her?!’” she said. 

When you see the person in emotional pain underneath the behaviour, you’re better equipped to have a loving discussion: one where you’re aware that your partner is activated and want to play the role of the safe person who can validate and listen to them, Bouffard said. 

Finally, acknowledge that you see your partner trying and that you appreciate it.

With your child, acknowledging a job well done is called “labeled praise,” Spencer Northey said: “Great job on putting your Legos away!” you might tell them. For adults, it’s the exact same idea. No notes or modifications.

“Labeled praise goes beyond just ‘good job,’ and adds in what you are seeing as a good job,” she said. “So, it adds in that element of being seen along with being adored. It also guides what behaviours you want to see more of.”

The therapist said that some clients have initially resisted using labeled praise with each other due to psychological baggage: “Why should I have to give the verbal equivalent of a cookie every time she manages to take the trash out?” they may ask. 

Spencer Northey sets those clients straight: “I tell them that no clients have ever come to me complaining that there is too much labeled praise in their relationship,” she said.