I honestly cannot believe I am writing this and sending it out to be read by anyone who finds it, the thought kind of terrifies me; but, this is to help anyone that has been in an awful situation. I want my experiences to be an example to anyone facing something difficult, that one day it will be a distant memory and you can actually build from the things that try and put you down.
So, only a handful of people in my personal life know this but when I was 15 I fell pregnant and unfortunately at around 6 months I had a still-birth and it really changed the way I saw the world, my family and my friends. The way people around me reacted to the situation forced me to grow up and change a lot, subsequently a fair few of my relationships changed and I was more determined than ever to help others. Having said that, I did lose myself for a while and I gained quite a bit of weight. I honestly do not see my weight gain as a negative though, I was too busy re-learning how to love myself and finding out who I am with no boundaries to see the changes my body had gone through.
I was no longer concerned with what I was wearing on the weekend, I was consumed by a really heavy sadness and questions. Why had these awful things happened to me? Where are my secondary school friends who told me they would support me through anything? How am I supposed to depend on a mother and father who turned their back on me when I was pregnant, but since my child died, it's now okay to live with them now?
I was going through hell.
But I am okay now (I might even write a blog on how I answered those questions and moved on).
Time and a few more lbs later I saw two old friends randomly and an ex all within a space of a few weeks, it was lovely to catch up and I thought nothing more of it, but of course gossip travels around fast in this particular circle and I received a call from a girl-friend of mine that these three boys have been talking about how fat I am now and laughing about it (although my ex wasn't laughing when I dumped him and his friend didn't laugh when I refused to kiss him - but that's another story). Naturally I was hurt, I don't really think I had given much thought to my size at the time - I mean sure, I've had to get new clothes, but who doesn't love a shop?! Needless to say I cried, I cried a lot.
But this was a different kind of sadness, this was a shallow and pointless type of misery and it did not last a long time at all. I realise now that these boys, how I feel about my weight or appearance and trivial problems mean NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. It's kind of like in Game of Thrones, everyone in the South is worrying about who the next King/Queen will be etc, but the real problem is what is coming from over the wall people!
I say all this to say, forget about small minded people who spend their life talking about you. Go and face the real issues in your life and maybe even try to find ways to help others get over theirs. I really think that if I did not know what those boys were saying about me, I would allow them to still be present in my life and that would be fucking horrific! Love yourself people! Enjoy life and DO NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! Larger challenges will come (no pun intended).
With love
(This blog is also posted on my website, please see it here)