Getting divorced entails multiple sources of stress for parents. There are financial and logistical concerns, plus your own well-being to worry about. And with each decision, you have to carefully consider how any course of action will impact your child.
While you want to make sure your child knows they’re allowed to express their thoughts and feelings about everything that’s going on in your family’s life, conversations about the divorce can be tricky to navigate. It’s always a good idea to consider the impact your words will have on your child — but parents, in their hurt and anger, sometimes say things they later regret.
To help you monitor yourself even when emotions are running high, we asked several experts for examples of what not to say to your child or children when you’re in the middle of a divorce.
1. “Mummy is always late.”
Any criticism of your child’s other parent can hurt your child. Randall Kessler, a family law attorney in Georgia, told HuffPost: “A judge told me, and it rings true, ‘Remember, your children are half you and half the other parent.’ If I say something bad about my wife, I’m saying something bad about my child.”
Although your criticism may be warranted, refrain from voicing it in front of your child, or they may take it as though you are criticising them.
Kessler also recommended that you not confirm any criticism your child might offer. “They’ll tell you what you want to hear,” Kessler said, potentially offering you an opening such as, “Don’t you hate it that mummy is always late?”
But even then, it’s important that you not take the bait or speak critically. “Don’t reaffirm the negatives that your kids may come to you with,” Kessler said. Instead, find a way to respond that isn’t critical, such as “Mummy is trying her best,” “Mummy is juggling a lot right now,” or “Mummy will be here as soon as she can.”
Finally, Kessler suggested making it a point to say nice things about the other parent whenever possible, remembering that your child may believe these things to be true of themselves.
It can be hard to hold back your criticism if the other parent does not reciprocate, but, in the end, you want to model the kind of behaviour you hope to see in your children.
2. “Daddy and Mummy still love each other.”
This can be confusing for children, who may have trouble comprehending that there are different types of love. They may also be holding on to fantasies that you will get back together, which this kind of language might encourage.
Saying this can be “tempting, especially if you and your ex (or future ex) respect each other and co-parent well,” Kate Scharff, a psychotherapist in the Washington, D.C. area, told HuffPost. But kids will likely have trouble distinguishing romantic love from other kinds. “They’re likely to respond with, ‘If you love each other, why can’t you stay married?’” Scharff said.
Instead, she recommended saying something clearer, such as: “We don’t love each other anymore. That happens with adults sometimes, but parents never fall out of love with their kids. Though we’ll be living apart, we’ll still take care of you together,” or “We don’t love each other anymore, but we want to support each other in being the best parents we can be.”
3. “Your mum took all my money, so no Christmas this year.”
While you avoid criticising the other parent, make sure you aren’t saying anything that could set your child up for a “loyalty conflict,” advised Ann Buscho, a psychologist in California.
“The research supports the best outcomes for children when they have secure attachments to both parents. Thus anything critical of the other parent will be felt by the child as if they need to decide who is right or wrong, who is to blame, and who is the hurt or the victim,” Buscho said.
“Parents need to let their kids know that they don’t need to align with one parent or the other,” Buscho said.
4. “Yes, we will stay in this house after the divorce.”
This may be one of the first things your children ask about, and it’s tempting to reassure them immediately — but be careful not to make any promises you might not be able to keep.
“Most families often have to sell their homes (their biggest asset) in order to settle the financial part of the divorce,” Buscho said.
It’s OK to let your children know that something is uncertain. You can also reassure them that you aren’t hiding anything from them by saying something like, “We don’t have all the answers to your questions yet, but when we do, we will tell you,” Buscho suggested.
5. “I miss you so much, I just had to hear your voice.”
Adjusting to a split custody arrangement will be challenging for everyone involved. Scharff advised against pushing for a lot of contact during the times your child is staying with their other parent.
“For some children, regular check-ins create a helpful emotional bridge,” Scharff said. “But before you text, email or call, ask yourself: ‘Who needs this, me or them?’ Lots of kids deal with separations by temporarily putting thoughts of the ‘away’ parent on the back burner and focusing on their here-and-now,” she continued.
Think about whether a call or text will be more helpful or disruptive.
In general, Scharff discourages any kind of clinginess while the kids are away from you, and advises against going overboard with the “I miss yous” or reassurances like, “Call me whenever you want, even in the middle of the night!”
This kind of communication can create or add to any anxiety your child is already feeling. “Your kids need to feel they have your blessing to go, and your confidence that they (and their other parent) can manage the time away,” Scharff said.
When they return to you, it’s also best not to ask too much about how their time with the other parent was spent, as this, too, can put kids in a compromised position.
A simple question like, “Did you have a good time with Daddy?” for example, could cause anxiety for a kid, Kessler said. They might think, “Do I say, ‘Yeah, I had a good time with Daddy,’ and you don’t like Daddy, so are you mad at me?”
Instead, he suggested, “Let them volunteer, and if they want to tell you, great.”
6. “Who did your dad go out with last night?”
Even if it sounds like you’re just making casual conversation, don’t ask your child to become a source of information.
“This makes children feel as if they are asked to be spies, reporting to each parent on the other parent,” Buscho said.
7. “Don’t tell your dad that Joe and I are going away for the weekend.”
You also don’t want to put your child in a position where they are keeping secrets from the other parent or siblings on your behalf. “These children become ‘adultified,’” Buscho explained. They are forced to take on the weight of what should be an adult responsibility.
“Parents are using their kids as confidantes when kids are not emotionally ready or mature enough to handle this,” Buscho said.
8. “Tell your mum I’m going to be late Tuesday.”
Even if the information you’re asking them to communicate is neutral, you shouldn’t use your child as a go-between to relay messages.
“This puts the burden of the parents’ poor communication onto the shoulders of the children,” Buscho said.
Kessler mentioned that he often sees parents communicating information concerning finances this way, as in, “Ask your dad to buy you that, he can afford it.”
This puts kids in an uncomfortable position, he said, and can also “backfire, because then the kids are going to learn how to manipulate each parent and say, ‘Mummy says you should pay for this.’”
9. “Don’t you want to live with me?”
Most kids will be asked who they want to live with if there is a custody dispute, and many of them will see this question coming. It’s not one that you need to ask, Kessler said. More importantly, it’s not an issue about which you should appear to have a strong opinion. Your child should know that you will respect their preference.
“Make it absolutely clear that whatever they choose is fine,” he advised. To a teen, for example, you might say, “Listen, you’re a grown young woman. You’re 15 years old. I want to be honest with you. I respect you, and I respect your choices, and I will be okay. And if you would rather live primarily with your mother and visit me on weekends, that’s perfectly fine.”
10. “It’ll be great, you’ll get to decorate a new bedroom!”
You don’t want to try to spin the divorce as a positive. Although the divorce may come as a relief if there has been a lot of conflict in the home, “cheery” comments, Scharff said, “don’t match the sadness your kids are feeling and will confuse them or dampen the authenticity of their reactions. It also may discourage them from coming to you for comfort or answers to their questions.”
You want them to know that they are allowed to be sad or angry about the divorce and to discuss these feelings.
The same goes for attempting to mask your own sadness. Scharff said many parents worry that they will cry when discussing the divorce with their kids. She tells them they likely will, and that there’s no need to try to contain those tears.
“Putting on an artificially brave face will have the same effect as putting on an artificially happy one — it will create confusion,” she said. Even if you try to cover it up, your kids will know you are sad, and they may think your brave face means they aren’t allowed to express their sadness about the divorce, either.
You can say things that are both honest and reassuring, such as, “This is sad for everyone, but we will all get through it together,” Buscho said.
Experts underscored the benefits of seeing a therapist while you are going through a divorce. This gives you a safe space to voice your frustrations and a sounding board to help you figure out how to talk about difficult topics with your kids.