Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 25, 2024
Me: *goes to Target*
Husband: not like that
Wife math ~ “it was like 10 bucks" = it was at least $100.
— Tony P. (@Tbone7219) August 26, 2024
There comes a point in marriage when The Home Depot becomes a strong contender in where you go for date night.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 23, 2024
My Mother-in-Law and I have reached a sort of equilibrium, I no longer bother deep cleaning before she comes and she no longer pretends that my house keeping skills are acceptable
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 25, 2024
My husband is frantically trying to get ready for this wedding we were supposed to leave for 10 minutes ago and he just screamed "why is this house full of boobytraps!" because he keeps running into such things as doors and stairs.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 24, 2024
My love language is my husband taking one or more of the kids with him when he runs errands
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 23, 2024
WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 24, 2024
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'
My husband can’t hear me from three feet away, but can hear a chip bag crinkle from the other side of the house.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) August 23, 2024
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 25, 2024
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Stages of leaving the house:
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) August 25, 2024
Wife: getting child ready
Husband: ready & waiting
Wife: getting herself ready
Husband: ready & waiting
Wife: ready
Husband: can’t find keys
My husband told me we need to buy less cheese, so now I’m clearing out all his stuff to make room for my new cheese fridge
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 21, 2024
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
— 𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 (@MoMohler) August 26, 2024
I like to assert my dominance by periodically using my husband's favorite coffee mug.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) August 26, 2024
We were mingling with people at a lawyer event tonight for my work and I turned just in time to hear my husband so earnestly say to a woman he just met "listen, you gave your daughter all the tools she needs to be successful and it's up to her now to use them."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 24, 2024
Me: How much bacon do you want?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 23, 2024
Wife: I don't want any bacon.
Me: [changes Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated"]
Told my husband I’m sorry for the things I said when he only brought us two donuts to share, but in my defense how was I supposed to know they were $8? EACH.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 22, 2024
Me: What’s Bumble?
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 20, 2024
My wife: A dating app.
Me: A gay one?
My wife, with A Look: I don’t know, babe. I’m married.
If your wife is sad because you just dropped your kid off at college it may require something drastic to cheer her up. I just suggested we go look for a new fall wreath.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2024
Me: Why is the Fire Department here?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 22, 2024
Wife [putting candles in my birthday cake]: It's just a precaution.
[Celebrating our anniversary soon]
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 23, 2024
Wife: How long have we been married?
Me: Why are we celebrating an anniversary you don’t know basic information about?
Wife: It’s easy for you to remember since you got nothing else going on up there.