Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
My wife and I enjoy decorating together: I hang an ornament and then she moves it to a different place and tells me to go make drinks.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 9, 2023
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 6, 2023
Overheard my husband say to someone on the phone last night "I already know what I'm getting for Christmas. I've been dropping obvious hints to Eli for months so there aren't any surprises this year" and I am now consumed by the fear of god.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 7, 2023
it’s so important to share interests in a relationship! for instance, me and my partner take the same antidepressant
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 8, 2023
Me: If you could sleep with --
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2023
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
— Boog (@bewgtweets) December 10, 2023
Me: no, is he any good?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 5, 2023
I'm not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon, but we just got a Christmas card from Jeff Bezos.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 5, 2023
My husband: we really need to cut back our spending
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 8, 2023
My dog: absolutely, right after an emergency visit to the vet
You’re not the boss of me. You’re not my wife when she’s angry.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 7, 2023
Not me, whispering “Kate Spade” every time I go near my husband’s phone because there’s still time for him to make a smart purchase before Christmas.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 6, 2023
The word ‘husband’ comes from Old Norse word ‘husbondi’ meaning ‘went to the store and bought the wrong shampoo’.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 6, 2023
Me: Bathroom is cleaned.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2023
Wife: Thank you.
Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?
Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: The puffy thing with the handle.
Wife: MY LOOFAH?!
Me: You named the toilet brush?
I told Stacy a woman asked me for my number and she was like “Did you tell her you’re married!” like I’m not the biggest wife guy on the earth. I was like, “Babe, I have not gone ten sentences without mentioning being married since the day we got married.”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) December 9, 2023
wife told me that we need to flip and rotate our king mattress so before we do that I'm going to see an attorney to get my affairs in order
— 🌜🤷♂️🎅🏽Dad Moon Rising 🎅🏽🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) December 5, 2023
My wife asked me to help get the house ready for our Christmas party tonight. So I'm mowing the lawn, painting our mailbox and cleaning the garage out.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 10, 2023
Cleaned the kitchen counter and left a surprise for my wife. Her reaction proves that women don’t care about art. Here’s my plaster piece “Bunny blowing dandelions with it’s fart” pic.twitter.com/MBf9uWB4qp
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 7, 2023
found a way to get my husband to listen to what i’m saying - i started a podcast
— nika (@nikalamity) December 8, 2023
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 6, 2023
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?