The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Dec. 5-11)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My wife and I enjoy decorating together: I hang an ornament and then she moves it to a different place and tells me to go make drinks.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 9, 2023

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 11, 2023

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 6, 2023

Overheard my husband say to someone on the phone last night "I already know what I'm getting for Christmas. I've been dropping obvious hints to Eli for months so there aren't any surprises this year" and I am now consumed by the fear of god.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 7, 2023

it’s so important to share interests in a relationship! for instance, me and my partner take the same antidepressant
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) December 8, 2023

Me: If you could sleep with --

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2023

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?
— Boog (@bewgtweets) December 10, 2023

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 5, 2023

I'm not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon, but we just got a Christmas card from Jeff Bezos.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 5, 2023

My husband: we really need to cut back our spending

My dog: absolutely, right after an emergency visit to the vet
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 8, 2023

You’re not the boss of me. You’re not my wife when she’s angry.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 7, 2023

Not me, whispering “Kate Spade” every time I go near my husband’s phone because there’s still time for him to make a smart purchase before Christmas.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) December 6, 2023

The word ‘husband’ comes from Old Norse word ‘husbondi’ meaning ‘went to the store and bought the wrong shampoo’.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 6, 2023

Me: Bathroom is cleaned.
Wife: Thank you.
Me: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?
Me: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: The puffy thing with the handle.
Wife: MY LOOFAH?!
Me: You named the toilet brush?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2023

I told Stacy a woman asked me for my number and she was like “Did you tell her you’re married!” like I’m not the biggest wife guy on the earth. I was like, “Babe, I have not gone ten sentences without mentioning being married since the day we got married.”
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) December 9, 2023

wife told me that we need to flip and rotate our king mattress so before we do that I'm going to see an attorney to get my affairs in order
— 🌜🤷♂️🎅🏽Dad Moon Rising 🎅🏽🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) December 5, 2023

My wife asked me to help get the house ready for our Christmas party tonight. So I'm mowing the lawn, painting our mailbox and cleaning the garage out.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 10, 2023

Cleaned the kitchen counter and left a surprise for my wife. Her reaction proves that women don’t care about art. Here’s my plaster piece “Bunny blowing dandelions with it’s fart” pic.twitter.com/MBf9uWB4qp
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 7, 2023