Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's my answer.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 25, 2024
I hurt my shoulder so my husband offered to blow out my hair. If it looks good, he’s going to regret ever offering. Fingers crossed.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 26, 2024
Me: how does this email sound? [I read it out loud]
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 26, 2024
Husband: I'd maybe change that part that says--
Me: I've already sent this.
Husband: it's absolutely perfect.
I’m bored I think I’ll scare my husband and ask him where the drill is
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) January 24, 2024
My wife can eat one Reese's peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so clearly I married a supernatural being.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 29, 2024
Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 27, 2024
Me: Remember when life wasn’t so stressful?
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) January 28, 2024
Husband: Like 2019?
Me: More like 10 years ago
10: Hey…you didn’t have kids!!
Me: I said what I said
Do that thing I like.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 25, 2024
Husband gets out of bed and I have it ALL to myself.
Boyfriend: I think I’m getting a cold
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) January 28, 2024
Girlfriend: Oh no! I’ll get you some soup and hot tea
20 years later…
Husband: I think I’m getting a cold
Wife: You just had one
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 29, 2024
Netflix provides content warnings like “graphic violence, smoking, foul language” but I’m at a point in life where I need it to say stuff like “marital issues depicted in this film closely reflect your own” or “this movie features your wife’s ‘hall pass’ (Mr. Bean).”
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) January 24, 2024
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 29, 2024
My wife: Should I wear boots or these really cute shoes?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 26, 2024
Me: It’s cold and there’s lots of snow out there.
My wife: Yeah, and?
If you’re wondering what 50 years of marriage looks like:
— Taco Ma BG (@bgschnikelfritz) January 29, 2024
My mom just asked my dad what he was watching and then shushed him and told him he was “talking too much” when he answered her
Good morning to everyone except my husband who smacked me with the pillow while I was asleep because one of my eyelashes came off and was on his pillow and he thought it was a spider
— LorazeKim™️ (@_KimberleyAnna) January 28, 2024
A friend just sent me some knitting needles in the mail and when I open them my husband, the man I married, the person who I thought knew me and was not a monster, said "do you really need more knitting needles? Haven't you collected them all by now?"
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 27, 2024
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 25, 2024
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My kid was telling me about the new obsession people have with Stanley Cups so I said "that's toxic flaskulinity" and then my wife called the cops.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 28, 2024
My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 29, 2024
Do I just leave & start my new life now?
*Husband screams in pain*
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 28, 2024
Wife *Year one of marriage*: what happened?! Are you okay?!
Wife *Year 12+*: What did you do this time?