Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
“i have to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone” i am telling my husband i already started writing the text
— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 13, 2024
Some heroes save people from burning buildings. I save people who are trapped in endless conversations with my husband.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 17, 2024
We are at an adult "pool party" and my husband put on his bathing suit before we came here and I tried to explain to him that no one was actually going to be swimming. Anyway, he is now in the pool by himself while everyone else is standing around the edges sipping cocktails.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 14, 2024
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 16, 2024
The funniest Fathers Day thing I hear is from my wife, who said, “You can sleep in, if you want.”
— Adam (@YSylon) June 16, 2024
Babe, I’ve been waking up at 5 AM since I was in my twenties. I absolutely cannot sleep in, no matter what anyone wants.
Sometimes I'll just throw away old cords instead of saving them, I'm not a dad so it's allowed
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 17, 2024
My husband is so confusing because, based on things he’s told me, he used to be smarter at some point.
— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) June 16, 2024
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 13, 2024
My wife's birthday is coming up and I’m wrapping her presents with AARP magazine covers.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 13, 2024
On a scale of one to I’m so dead, how is this going to go over?
wife and I are microdosing being empty nesters by removing the kids from our Netflix plan
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 14, 2024
me: [grunts sitting down getting into the car]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 12, 2024
Wife: [grunts sitting down getting into the car]
Me: remember when we used to get in the car silently??
My husband had a tee time at 7:30 am and is home already watching the U.S. Open for the next 5 hours. I asked him if he wanted to do something special for Father’s Day and he answered the same as all of his forefathers before him, “Shhhhh, This IS special.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 16, 2024
My kids helped me discover patience, my husband helped me master it
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 13, 2024
Wife: What do you want to do for Father’s Day?
— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) June 16, 2024
Me: Just drop me off at The Home Depot so I can play with all the other dads.
Husband sneezed and the cat ran off.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) June 15, 2024
Me: I'm off to my happy place.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 11, 2024
Husband: Target?
Me: My other happy place.
Husband: The library?
Me: No.
Husband: Aldi?
Me: Not that one.
Husband: You have too many happy places.
a nap so good you don't even complain about your spouse changing the thermostat
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 11, 2024
We were at a baby shower recently and there was a child there who was so obviously like 11 and my husband very sincerely asked him which college he went to after the kid said school just got out. I'm convinced this man has never met a child before.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 16, 2024
I’m not spending thousands of dollars on vacation when I can get bullied by my wife and kids in the comfort of my own home.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) June 14, 2024
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2024
Wife: Let’s just sit out on the deck and drink.
Me:
Wife:
Me: Is it…is it my birthday, too?