Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Marriage is mumbling “what’d he say” and the other replying “I have no idea” because you’re both on your phones instead of watching the show that’s on
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 1, 2024
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said "I know! I saw that a few days ago!" so we got to have a lecture about "see something, say something."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 25, 2024
How dare my husband not bring me a hot dog from the snack bar after I specifically told him I didn’t want anything to eat.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) June 30, 2024
Hi, I’m Laura. It’s been 15 years since I’ve known my husband and I have no idea what his mobile number is.
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) June 26, 2024
Sorry can't, setting up a decoy thermostat so my in-laws don't mess with the real one during their visit
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 27, 2024
There are 2 kinds of people, ones that assumes the worst traffic in driving history and leave 2 hours early and ones that think they can defy physics and leave just before they need to be there. They marry each other as penance for transgressions in a previous life
— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 25, 2024
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2024
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 28, 2024
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Whenever my wife asks a question about one of our kids I interrupt with "who" like I don't recognize the name and in 16 years she hasn't laughed once
— Jesse Smith (@JesseTayRiver) June 27, 2024
Husband: *texting me* Hey, Beastie! Oops, I meant Bestie!
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) June 27, 2024
Me:
Husband: It’s too late, isn’t it?
Me:
As most of you know my husband is missing a leg from his tour in Afghanistan. So anytime I lay next to him I put my leg where his should be. He’s tired of my shit💀🤣🤣
— ↞𝙱𝚕𝚔𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚢↠ (@BlkSoulBeauty) June 26, 2024
My husband is about to run to the hospital to see some patients and he just walked into the room wearing green basically leopard print pajama bottoms and asking "can I get away with calling these scrubs? Be honest but liberal."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 30, 2024
Just found out that my husband learned the colors of the rainbow with VIBGYOR instead of ROY G BIV, and wow, you think you know a person
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 30, 2024
I’m going to need my husband to lower his already low expectations on the cleanliness of the house this summer
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) June 26, 2024
Whenever a reporter says "Back to you" it reminds me of how my wife sleeps.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 30, 2024
When I start typing in my husband’s email address in Gmail on my phone, it suggests both his email and the school offices. I mean what could go wrong?
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) June 27, 2024
My husband is lucky I hate driving, or I would've left without him when he turned "I just need 20 minutes to pack my bag" into two hours.
— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 30, 2024
Me: Have you seen my lucky polo?
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 26, 2024
Wife: What does it look like?
Me: Uh it has stripes and @BisHilarious said it was a good shirt that looked good on me seven years ago. My LUCKY polo?!
At a very dimly lit restaurant in Vegas and my husband said, “Babe, they have your favorite champagne and it’s only $36 a bottle! Surprisingly cheap. Let me get that for you.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 30, 2024
Dear friends. He ordered the bottle. It was not, in fact, $36 a bottle. It is $36 per GLASS.
Cheers!
My wife's watering her garden before it rains today. This is the equivalent of cleaning your house before the cleaning service shows up
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 29, 2024