Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life. Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 22 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husbands be like, “I have something really important to tell you” and then tell you your butt looks good.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 1, 2023
Me: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?!??!?!!!
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 7, 2023
Wife: [already pulling out of driveway]
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 2, 2023
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Came home after running a ton of errands and told my husband about all of it, even to the last insignificant detail, and now I think I have officially morphed into my mom.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) September 5, 2023
Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I...
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023
Me: 10
I was putting a grocery bag on our bathroom trash when my husband came in and told me to go buy the little trash bags because we can actually afford them. You guys, we made it! We're rich!
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 31, 2023
When my wife says “So I was thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re either moving or starting another home reno project.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 30, 2023
My husband is calling for an end to the strike because he is sick of me not having a set schedule
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) September 4, 2023
I'm so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) September 11, 2023
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 31, 2023
The next phase of a happy marriage begins when you get a king-sized bed.
— Schmuck Ado About Nothing (@SchmuckOnAHorse) September 1, 2023
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 31, 2023
We’re going to need to go to Costco
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 30, 2023
-flirting with your spouse in your forties
"Will you tell the dogs to come inside? I would but they don't really recognize my authority."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 6, 2023
My adult man husband
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) September 11, 2023
Me, planning something with friends: If anyone has a free night 3 months from now, we should do dinner.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 31, 2023
Husband, planning something with friends: I’m getting a tree cut down tomorrow if anyone wants to come over.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) August 29, 2023
Me, the invisible duster: ok
When I want to live on the edge I drink coffee out of my wife's favorite coffee mug.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 1, 2023
Went on a family hike because my husband promised me coffee and cake at the end, and you know what? It was just like childbirth, once I had the coffee and cake I forgot how awful the hiking part was.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 10, 2023
My husband is irrationally afraid of using the air fryer.
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 31, 2023
My Gay Vet: That is the fanciest cat stroller I have ever seen.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 8, 2023
Me: Thank you! My wife got it for me for my birthday. How else will everyone know I’m the dominant neighborhood lesbian?
My Gay Vet: Oh, I think they could figure it out.
Me and my wife's secret code when we want to leave a party is "Holy shit, are you ready to leave?"
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 8, 2023