22 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 23 - June 5)

Me to anyone else: "it's in that cabinet"

Me to my husband:
"it's in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It's bright green. It's right there. IT'S RIGHT THERE"

— Marl (@Marlebean) May 25, 2023

Someone suddenly turned the music up, people started playing beer pong, and my husband whispered to me "let's go. We just aged out of this party."

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 28, 2023

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 4, 2023

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

— Becky Hammer (@beckyhammer) May 28, 2023

Sometimes I wonder what my husband does with all the energy he saves by not overthinking everything, and why is it not putting the laundry away.

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 3, 2023

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) May 26, 2023

My wife loves whispering sweet nothings in my ear. You know, things like “what are you even talking about?” and “you already told me that.”

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 3, 2023

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, "Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?" Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 25, 2023

my husband: I need to take it easy this weekend

also, my husband: I’m just going to cut down the tree in the front yard

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 27, 2023

I had no plans today. My wife found out and boy did I have a lot of plans today I didn't know about.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 3, 2023

AT WHAT AGE DO PEOPLE START TYPING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO THINK IT’S 53.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 30, 2023

My husband knows what a credenza is and i do not

— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) May 27, 2023

I got frustrated that someone was texting my husband nonstop late at night and then realized it was me sending him memes from across the room.

— MommyingHard (@MommyingHard) May 27, 2023

I have become a “grows plants from all the seeds and food scraps lying around” type of person and I don’t think my husband understood that was included in “for better or worse”

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 1, 2023

My wife and I play this cute game where she puts away ingredients I'm about to use without telling me.

— A Dad Influence #🟦 (@gbergan) May 29, 2023

Unloading the dishwasher loudly at 6:30am is the best way to get credit for it

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 3, 2023

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 5, 2023

We just went to a pool party and my husband chose to wear his thickest Irish wool sweater????

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 28, 2023

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I'll never eat again

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 26, 2023

I asked my husband if he likes my new makeup better than my old makeup and he got this panicked look on his face, shouted something about a trap, and I haven’t seen him since

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 5, 2023

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it's the alarm for work but it's actually just your spouse snoring

— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) June 1, 2023

my husband asked me for a divorce this weekend. I mean, he suggested we put peel and stick tiles on the ceiling, so, same-same

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 5, 2023