Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Husband informed me the shorts I’ve been running in around my neighborhood are actually just underwear. How’s your month going?
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 24, 2021
Do you ever watch your husband try to find something and think “wow, I married this?”
— 𝓜𝓸𝓶’𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻 (@Mamaoutoforder) April 23, 2021
Thought things were going pretty well for my marriage and family but apparently everyone has a pergola but us.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 22, 2021
Me, 21: I think having all boy roommates would be cool
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 23, 2021
Me, 39: *living with a husband and three sons* fuck
Excited to bond with my wife and tell her that her labor pains were nothing compared to my body ache from the second vaccine shot
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 22, 2021
Wife and I are drinking outside on the deck and the neighbors are also outside having a massive argument so looks like our night just planned itself
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 24, 2021
Just caught my wife teaching our 5yo to put the toilet paper on the roll in the “over” position and it was like falling in love all over again.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2021
My wife just texted “it was nothing to ride home about” and I didn’t correct her because I’m trying to be less “critical”.
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) May 2, 2021
My wife can give the finger with her eyes.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 2, 2021
me: if i have two pieces of cake will you judge me
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 23, 2021
husband: if you don’t eat it the cake will go bad
me: 😍...i vow to never backseat drive again
h: really?
no: omfg no jk i love you tho
Imagine being so stupid that when your wife or girlfriend asks you to take a photo of her and you take exactly one photo.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) April 23, 2021
Is your husband mature or
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 26, 2021
does he ask you to hold his salty nutsack every time he hands you a bag of pistachios at Whole Foods?
I don't mean to brag but my husband and I met at McDonald's.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 24, 2021
I had to wake my husband up at 4:30 this morning to give me a ride to the airport after I couldn’t find a Lyft and I don’t know if I’m going to have a marriage to come home to now.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 29, 2021
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 22, 2021
My wife won't let me watch Treehouse Masters anymore because "I'm getting ideas" for the big cypress tree on our lot
— TitsforTat 🏳️🌈 (@magicalchaos14) April 27, 2021
Who doesn't want a treehouse? *Eye Roll* 🤣🤣
Wife: We never talk anymore.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 22, 2021
Me: (puts phone down) Okay, let’s talk.
Wife: Ew, not now.
My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 22, 2021
I’m over the moon with my husband. Seriously, he needs to cover his ass up.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 20, 2021
I texted my wife asking how her day was and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's your answer
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 30, 2021
Husband: Can you do me a favor?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 22, 2021
Me: I love you and would do anything for you.
Husband: Can you-
Me: No.
I was gonna do that
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 24, 2021
- my husband, after I’ve already done it
SON: There's a new kid in my class. I think his name is Bill...or Billy
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) May 2, 2021
ME: Or Mac or Buddy?
HIM:
WIFE: *from another room* ALL I WANNA DO, IS HAVE SOME FUN
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of hitting a happy hour on Friday you can wash sports uniforms and I can try to pick which can of beer or seltzer pairs best with the hamburger helper I’m making.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 30, 2021
Secret to a successful marriage is to marry the one who understands your values, principles and mumbles
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 1, 2021