Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 27 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
“You’re driving 47 in a 45” is a very strange way for my husband to request to walk home.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 8, 2022
First came love. Then came marriage. Then came pic.twitter.com/45bQAM4ju2
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 9, 2022
How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story
— 👻Mummy Fearest👻 (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022
Some couples exercise together.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 7, 2022
My wife and I send each other articles when we're sitting in the same room.
40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 4, 2022
me: what?
wife: i was talking to the dog
My wife wandered off 30 minutes ago in the grocery store, I have the shopping cart, her purse and cell phone. I guess I'm single now.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) October 2, 2022
We’re both writers but my husband will say the sweetest thing ever to me, and I’ll be like, “Well that’s a mutual feeling between us.”
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) October 3, 2022
Email from school: Today is early release day
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) October 5, 2022
Text from school: Today is early release day
Smoke signal: 💨 Early release day 💨
Carrier pigeon: Early release! Don’t forget!
Husband: Is it early release day?
Me: Any Costco requests?
— LaughCryCoffee (@laughcrycoffee) October 4, 2022
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
marriage is one person forgetting where they put something and the other accusing them they threw it out
— Dad Set Against…the Dead 🧟♂️ (@DadSetAgainst) September 30, 2022
Pillow talk when you’re married in your 40s is whispering things like “when I die, if you need access to the accounts, just hold my phone up to my dead face”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 5, 2022
It’s very difficult to talk about staying within a budget with your husband when you have skeletons in your closet, specifically a 12-foot one, that you bought yesterday.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 7, 2022
My husband: The dog seems sad.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 28, 2022
Me: Maybe she just needs love.
Him: Mayb-
Me: Maybe she just needs someone to hold her, and tell her they’re lucky to have her, and that she’s a good mom and A GOOD WIFE AND SHES IRREPLACEABLE
Him:…I uh…I think she just might be hungry.
80% of marriage is walking around sighing passive aggressively but never saying anything
— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) October 5, 2022
Texting my husband "I love you so much" but it autocorrected to "I love you so ugh"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) September 27, 2022
*send*
my daughter got up at 5:00am, met her boyfriend for coffee and then they watched the sunrise. She's only 17 and somehow she and her BF are an older married couple than me and my wife
— 🎃🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️🎃 (@raoulvilla) October 9, 2022
I just recited my wedding vows to my husband and emphasized the words "until death do us part" so he understands how serious I am about that last ice cream cone in the freezer.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 8, 2022
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it's someone else's idea.
— A Dad Influence 🇺🇸🇫🇷🇺🇦 (@gbergan) October 4, 2022
[adult conversations]
— Scéance Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) October 8, 2022
him: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET?
me: JUST A MINUTE I’M PUTTING SNAIL MUCIN ON MY FACE
My husband and I have this unspoken agreement where he continually leaves near empty bottles in the fridge and I slowly lose my mind about it.
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) October 4, 2022
Uber driver: your what?
— Eman El-husseini (@emanifique) October 4, 2022
Me: My wife.
Him: Why aren’t you married to a man?
Me: Because women are clean and soft.
My husband came in from work and said he thought it smelled like cinnamon and apples. His tone was accusatory and suspicious. I started sweating. I had put all of the canning supplies away only minutes before. How long can I keep up this web of lies?
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 3, 2022
65% of marriage is scoffing at each others life choices
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 29, 2022
An elaborate escape plan but it’s just me losing my husband and the kids in Target so I can shop unbothered
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) October 5, 2022
Wife went on a girls’ trip and bought me a t-shirt that says, “Not as Bad as Some of the Other Husbands.”
— Amish Super Model 🇺🇦 (@AmishSuperModel) October 9, 2022
Ah yes Sunday night. Time to watch the show my wife calls “Uncle Dragon”
— gabrielle korn (@Gabrielle_Korn) October 3, 2022
In a series I watch the same episode twice. Once with my wife in the evening, and then the next day to catch up from where I dozed off
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 4, 2022