When our first child was two months old, my wife and I took him on a trip to another city. Because we were staying in a hotel, we decided to go out for dinner. (Yes, with the baby. What can I say, we were rookies!)
We chose a friendly Chinese restaurant with a fish tank, assuming it would make him happy to look at the fish. We were wrong on that count, and ended up taking turns bouncing him in a sling to get him to stop crying and shovelling forkfuls of food into our mouths as quickly as possible. There was no time to taste the food, much less speak a word to one another.
“Well, that was terrible,” we said afterwards. “Surely it’ll get easier with time.”
How little we understood.
Here, the funny parents of X (formerly Twitter) describe in hilarious detail what eating in a restaurant with children is like.
Thinking about taking our kids to a restaurant tonight because we never learn our lesson.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 14, 2022
*Opens restaurant where each item on the kids’ menu is 8 bites’ worth of food and costs $.93*
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 29, 2019
[Mexican restaurant]
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2017
5-year-old: How many chips will they bring us?
Me: As many as we can eat.
5: Can we live here?
Before I had kids, I had to hire assistants to come to restaurants with me and make them flush $4.99 each down the toilet before we left.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 30, 2017
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 1, 2023
Sure sex is great, but have you ever had complete strangers come up to you in a restaurant and tell you how well behaved your three little kids are???
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) September 21, 2018
At a restaurant: kids have to crawl under the table to pick up the crayon that rolled off the table, even though they weren't using it.
— Ohio mom of two 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ #BLM (@OhioMomoftwo) September 4, 2022
At home: every marker we own and half their meal can just exist under the dining room table for all of eternity.
How I review restaurants: is it loud enough so I can’t hear my kids? 5 stars.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) October 14, 2021
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 20, 2018
Thank you for teaching your kids to sit nicely in restaurants so I can point out to my kids how nicely other people’s kids can sit in restaurants.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 26, 2023
Going on vacation with young kids is great bc we get to go to fancy, exotic restaurants where I can pay twice as much on chicken tenders as I would at home
— The Dad (@thedad) July 11, 2021
We took our kids out to eat. My 5yo as she put her menu down, "I'll have the chef's special." The waitress with a blank stare, "ummm... we don't have one." My 5yo, "guess it's not a fancy restaurant." My 5yo always putting me on the spot.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 25, 2023
When at a restaurant 1 minute and 27 seconds is the most auspicious time for kids to spill their juice
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 9, 2017
I just woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where I had to wait for a table in a restaurant for an hour with my four kids and they had lots of glass decor.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) September 18, 2021
Taking our kids to a restaurant tonight so we can pay $8 for a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese that was made this morning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 28, 2019
Whenever the child wants to eat out for dinner, he asks me if I can take him out on a “date”. I asked him why he calls it that and he said, “because we love each other and you always pay.” 💀💀💀
— ok. (@BtSquared2) September 13, 2022
[At a restaurant]
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) June 10, 2024
Alright kids, what combination of starch and cheese are you gonna have this time
Taking your kids to a restaurant is a great way to remember why you stopped taking your kids to restaurants.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 6, 2019
Took our kids to a restaurant tonight, and after the entire shitshow of festivities was over, my daughter said “hey mommy, we forgot to have dinner” while getting ready for bed. In case you were wondering what “going to a restaurant” means to kids.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 16, 2019
No one is full of more false hope than a parent who orders something for herself while dining out with her kids.
— Anna Lane (@theannalane) June 6, 2016
If you’re not stress eating then are you even trying to eat at a restaurant with your kids??
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) May 16, 2021
[family meal at restaurant]
— The Dad (@thedad) September 9, 2022
Waiter: Do you want these to-go?
Me: That'd be great *looks at kids* but bring them back when we've finished
My kids have really diverse palettes. They'll eat grilled cheese out at an American fare restaurant, breadsticks and parmesan at an Italian restaurant, or a cheese quesadilla at a Mexican restaurant.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 10, 2020
I enjoy taking my kids out to eat so that other parents can relax and feel better about their own children in the restaurant
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) February 6, 2022
Ordering food for kids at a restaurant is basically saying “what food would you like to refuse for 20 minutes while you eat 2 of my fries and then ask for ice cream”?
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) May 19, 2019
*finishing up dinner with my arguing kids at a restaurant*
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 31, 2021
Server: Anything I can take away from the table for you?
Me: How about a couple of kids?
My bff and I took our kids to a new restaurant/arcade.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 20, 2024
Us, “We’ll start with gin and tonics.”
Waitress, “We don’t have our liquor license yet.”
Us, “So NO alcohol?”
Waitress, “No.”
So we left our kids with a credit card and went to a bar next door like any good mother would.
If you haven't stormed out of a restaurant swearing to never eat out again, are you even a parent?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 4, 2022
Ninja reflex-training, except it’s just eating with a toddler at a restaurant trying to stop items from being spilled or thrown on the floor.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 14, 2021
Nobody is more hungry when they get home than a kid who just got back from eating at a restaurant.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 22, 2022
We could take our kids to a restaurant tonight or cut out the middle man & just spill a drink, throw crayons under the table & light $60 on fire.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 8, 2019
Why do kids eat free in some restaurants it should cost triple we need some kind of deterrent
— cathryn 💚🇨🇦 (@AngryRaccoon2) April 19, 2023
The worst item on any restaurant’s menu is ‘Kids Welcome’
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 13, 2022
Get married and have kids so instead of enjoying a romantic dinner for 2 at the restaurant, you watch people who showed up after you get seated, while you wait for a table for your family of 5.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 9, 2022
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) September 5, 2021
Of course you judge parents in restaurants before you have kids. That’s how the human race survives, each person thinking they can do it better before finding out no you fucking can’t.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 19, 2018