42 Bleepin' Hilarious Tweets About Kids And Swearing

"I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar."

Kids will say the darndest things ... occasionally using words that they aren’t supposed to know yet. Wherever could they have learned them?

Here, some of Twitter’s funniest parents comment on cursing in front of kids, hearing kids use language that’s incongruous with their innocent little faces, and the hilarious misunderstandings that result as kids learn what swearing is all about.

[Husband stubs toe]

H: Dammit!

2yo: You don't say DAMMIT! DAMMIT is a bad word. It's not right to say DAMMIT. I'm a big girl, and I know you don't say DAMMIT. So don't say DAMMIT, Dad. Because DAMMIT is a bad word.

4yo: I don't say DAMMIT.

Me: I'm glad none of you say dammit.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 22, 2019

I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 21, 2022

me: *finishes project*

son: one hundred thirty-one

me: what?

son: swear words

— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2022

I let my kid play Fortnite with headphones and a mic last night. (Don’t you dare judge me).

This is what I heard:
“Dude, I’m COMING NOW! Don’t leave me!
“Don’t swear again, ok? My mom will make me turn it off”
“Shit!”

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 11, 2019

Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when they’re asleep, and sneaking out to curse when they’re awake

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 18, 2023

my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2020

Sitting across from the 5yo at dinner and something came up and I knew - I KNEW - she was about to say a bad word. I looked at her and she looked at me and I shook my head and said “don’t” and without taking her eyes off me she whispered “I’m thinking it”.

— Dinah (@dinahaddie) March 4, 2023

Today is the day we put the outdoor Christmas lights up. A day the kids affectionately call, “Swear Day.”

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 26, 2023

7: “He said a bad word - the S one”
Me: “Oh really?”
7: “S-H-
Me: “Yeah I know that one”
7: “- I - “
….
Nobody:
….
7: “Shit”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) October 29, 2022

When I was a kid, my parents would always say Excuse my French just after a swear word.

Ill never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

— Doc (@DocAtCDI) June 22, 2023

I gave my kid permission to swear one time because it’s an eagles game thinking he was gonna say “hell yeah” about the touchdown but he went straight for “fuck”

— lala (@BigHatLala) November 27, 2023

-My beautiful toddler, in her flowery and ruffly dress gliding through our home on her scooter singing a quiet song to herself-

Me: what song are you singing my perfect angel?

3: it’s a bad word song mommy

— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) January 28, 2020

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 11, 2023

5: mom, you're a dick

Me: you can't say that, it's a swear word

5: why are all the words you use swear words?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐᶦᵗ

3 [running past]: dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit

— Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) July 2, 2020

Every one of my kids has asked us this question, all around the age of 8. Was asked it today: “mom, can I use a swear word just to ask you this question. Why is “fuck” a bad word”?

— Piya Chattopadhyay (@piya) October 12, 2021

Me: what word starts with an f and ends in u-c-k?

Wife: don’t curse in front of the kids!

Me: firetruck : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: what the firetruck is wrong with you?

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) April 20, 2020

Having a 2nd child is more difficult than the 1st for one very simple reason.

With the 1st you could swear as much as you needed to while they were a baby. But with the 2nd you already have one around that you can't swear in front of.

Nightmare.#parenting

— Dadding Around (@DaddingAround) April 20, 2018

Helping your kids with their math homework is a good way to teach them about math and swear words.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 7, 2018

Become a mom so you can say anything and no one will listen to you.

Unless you curse, then they will repeat that shit everywhere.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 18, 2020

Kid: Can I say a curse word and not get in trouble?
Me: Go ahead
Her:
Her:
Her: (whispers) butthead

— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) October 18, 2022

A friend of mine and her 5-year-old daughter came to visit recently and I learned that I'm very bad at improvising euphemisms for curse words. Now this kid thinks I'm some dork who says "Holy shoot" and "God darn it" and "Son of a fucking badger"

— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 25, 2022

A kid I know came up to me, very serious and concerned.
Him: Shannon, I don't like it when you use curse words in your books.
Me 😳: Which book?
Him: Squirrel Girl.
Me 🤨: Wait, what was the word?
Him (worried, leans in close to whisper): Fuzzmuppets.

— Shannon Hale (@haleshannon) July 21, 2021

Today, my 4-year-old son yelled “GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER” when the Steelers were running with the ball.

Now, my kids don’t curse, but you know? I didn’t even say a word to him because I felt him. I felt that.

I wanted our defense to “get that motherfucker” too.

— Maura🖤💜 (@Edgar_Allan_Moe) December 12, 2022

Randomly thinking of the older kid from across the road who'd come watch us sometimes who was probably a D overall as a babysitter but painstakingly took the time to systematically teach me every curse and swear word he thought I should know in 3 diff languages, thank you sensei

— Shiv Ramdas Buk Riter (@nameshiv) October 30, 2023

We’re in Disneyland. We gave our kid permission to curse on the scarier rides as he was worried about getting in trouble if he let a bold word slip out. And believe me- they did, including a post-inversion moment on Space Mountain when he asked ‘did we just loop the fuckin loop?’

— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 10, 2022

What’s your go to, kid proofed, curse word?

I use either crud nuggets or mother trucker

— Acidic Blonde™️ (@Acidic_Blonde) March 4, 2019

Parenting tip:

Don't let your kid bring a toy that flashes red and blue like police lights in the car.

My kid just learned a curse word, half my coffee is on the ceiling and I have to change my pants.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) November 6, 2019

Gave birth with no drugs and didn't utter a single swear word, but after several days of little sleep, I couldn't hold one back.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) June 19, 2009

My kids are playing an alphabet cussing game where they have to come up with a bad word for every letter of the alphabet.

I'm torn because it kind of feels educational.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 17, 2022

Last night my 5 year-old asked me if Penis was a bad word. I said no it's not and before I could explain further, he ran into the next room and yelled to his brother "I'm going to drop kick your penis"

— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) March 14, 2022

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2018

3yo: ew daddy farted and it smells like grass.

Me: do you mean ass?

3yo: no that’s a bad word you grasshole.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 22, 2020

[ in the car ]

My kid: the song said a bad word

Me: shit, forgot you were back there

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 17, 2021

Of all the options available to save for my kids’ college tuition, I’m pretty sure a Swear Jar would yield the highest return in our house. #momlife #swears #swearjar

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) September 6, 2018

friend: we don't use swear words around our kids
me: yeah, me neither
my kid: bullshit

— The Dad (@thedad) October 10, 2018

My 9yo is just saying every swear word he’s ever heard, in his sleep. I cannot stop laughing at his little baby face fast asleep mumbling, “Fuck shit balls.”

— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) January 21, 2023

Listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance…

8: “I think she said a bad word.”
(Cause I’m a free bitch baby)
10: “No, she said it’s a ‘free bridge’, like you don’t have to pay to go over it.”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) January 15, 2024

7-year-old: I said a bad word quietly so you wouldn’t hear me

Me: Why are you telling me now?

7-year-old: I just thought you would want to know

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 27, 2022

I’m now aware of my daughter’s progress in spelling after I spelled a bad word and she yelled “MOM YOU JUST SAID SHIT”

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 11, 2023

My kindergartner told me some of her friends were throwing up the middle finger at recess. When I told her we don’t do that at school she said, “we only curse when someone is driving slow.” And now she’s officially ready for a driver’s license.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 14, 2022

6: I have to say a bad word in order to tell you what happened at school

Me: ok, but just once

6: she called her… stupid

Me, relieved: that wasn’t nice of her.

6: at least I didn’t have to say fuck

— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) September 6, 2022

Wife: use animal names instead of curse words around the kids please.

Me: like snake instead of sh-

Wife: yes.

Me: like duck instead of fu-

Wife: yes.

Me: like ass instead of ass?

Wife:

Me: what? it’s an animal lol.

Daughter: [whispers] he’s ducked.

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) November 15, 2019
Close