Kids will say the darndest things ... occasionally using words that they aren’t supposed to know yet. Wherever could they have learned them?
Here, some of Twitter’s funniest parents comment on cursing in front of kids, hearing kids use language that’s incongruous with their innocent little faces, and the hilarious misunderstandings that result as kids learn what swearing is all about.
[Husband stubs toe]
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 22, 2019
H: Dammit!
2yo: You don't say DAMMIT! DAMMIT is a bad word. It's not right to say DAMMIT. I'm a big girl, and I know you don't say DAMMIT. So don't say DAMMIT, Dad. Because DAMMIT is a bad word.
4yo: I don't say DAMMIT.
Me: I'm glad none of you say dammit.
I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 21, 2022
me: *finishes project*
— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2022
son: one hundred thirty-one
me: what?
son: swear words
I let my kid play Fortnite with headphones and a mic last night. (Don’t you dare judge me).
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) September 11, 2019
This is what I heard:
“Dude, I’m COMING NOW! Don’t leave me!
“Don’t swear again, ok? My mom will make me turn it off”
“Shit!”
Parenting is sneaking in to kiss your kids when they’re asleep, and sneaking out to curse when they’re awake
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 18, 2023
my four year old mispronounces curse words which is cute and not at all horrifying when she yells “bammit!!” and “cheese crisis!!!”
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 29, 2020
Sitting across from the 5yo at dinner and something came up and I knew - I KNEW - she was about to say a bad word. I looked at her and she looked at me and I shook my head and said “don’t” and without taking her eyes off me she whispered “I’m thinking it”.
— Dinah (@dinahaddie) March 4, 2023
Today is the day we put the outdoor Christmas lights up. A day the kids affectionately call, “Swear Day.”
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 26, 2023
7: “He said a bad word - the S one”
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) October 29, 2022
Me: “Oh really?”
7: “S-H-
Me: “Yeah I know that one”
7: “- I - “
….
Nobody:
….
7: “Shit”
When I was a kid, my parents would always say Excuse my French just after a swear word.
— Doc (@DocAtCDI) June 22, 2023
Ill never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.
I gave my kid permission to swear one time because it’s an eagles game thinking he was gonna say “hell yeah” about the touchdown but he went straight for “fuck”
— lala (@BigHatLala) November 27, 2023
-My beautiful toddler, in her flowery and ruffly dress gliding through our home on her scooter singing a quiet song to herself-
— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) January 28, 2020
Me: what song are you singing my perfect angel?
3: it’s a bad word song mommy
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 11, 2023
5: mom, you're a dick
— Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) July 2, 2020
Me: you can't say that, it's a swear word
5: why are all the words you use swear words?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐᶦᵗ
3 [running past]: dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit
Every one of my kids has asked us this question, all around the age of 8. Was asked it today: “mom, can I use a swear word just to ask you this question. Why is “fuck” a bad word”?
— Piya Chattopadhyay (@piya) October 12, 2021
Me: what word starts with an f and ends in u-c-k?
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) April 20, 2020
Wife: don’t curse in front of the kids!
Me: firetruck : )
Wife:
Me:
Wife: what the firetruck is wrong with you?
Having a 2nd child is more difficult than the 1st for one very simple reason.
— Dadding Around (@DaddingAround) April 20, 2018
With the 1st you could swear as much as you needed to while they were a baby. But with the 2nd you already have one around that you can't swear in front of.
Nightmare.#parenting
Helping your kids with their math homework is a good way to teach them about math and swear words.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 7, 2018
Become a mom so you can say anything and no one will listen to you.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 18, 2020
Unless you curse, then they will repeat that shit everywhere.
Kid: Can I say a curse word and not get in trouble?
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) October 18, 2022
Me: Go ahead
Her:
Her:
Her: (whispers) butthead
A friend of mine and her 5-year-old daughter came to visit recently and I learned that I'm very bad at improvising euphemisms for curse words. Now this kid thinks I'm some dork who says "Holy shoot" and "God darn it" and "Son of a fucking badger"
— Michael Schaub (@michaelschaub) March 25, 2022
A kid I know came up to me, very serious and concerned.
— Shannon Hale (@haleshannon) July 21, 2021
Him: Shannon, I don't like it when you use curse words in your books.
Me 😳: Which book?
Him: Squirrel Girl.
Me 🤨: Wait, what was the word?
Him (worried, leans in close to whisper): Fuzzmuppets.
Today, my 4-year-old son yelled “GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER” when the Steelers were running with the ball.
— Maura🖤💜 (@Edgar_Allan_Moe) December 12, 2022
Now, my kids don’t curse, but you know? I didn’t even say a word to him because I felt him. I felt that.
I wanted our defense to “get that motherfucker” too.
Randomly thinking of the older kid from across the road who'd come watch us sometimes who was probably a D overall as a babysitter but painstakingly took the time to systematically teach me every curse and swear word he thought I should know in 3 diff languages, thank you sensei
— Shiv Ramdas Buk Riter (@nameshiv) October 30, 2023
We’re in Disneyland. We gave our kid permission to curse on the scarier rides as he was worried about getting in trouble if he let a bold word slip out. And believe me- they did, including a post-inversion moment on Space Mountain when he asked ‘did we just loop the fuckin loop?’
— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 10, 2022
What’s your go to, kid proofed, curse word?
— Acidic Blonde™️ (@Acidic_Blonde) March 4, 2019
I use either crud nuggets or mother trucker
Parenting tip:
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) November 6, 2019
Don't let your kid bring a toy that flashes red and blue like police lights in the car.
My kid just learned a curse word, half my coffee is on the ceiling and I have to change my pants.
Gave birth with no drugs and didn't utter a single swear word, but after several days of little sleep, I couldn't hold one back.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) June 19, 2009
My kids are playing an alphabet cussing game where they have to come up with a bad word for every letter of the alphabet.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 17, 2022
I'm torn because it kind of feels educational.
Last night my 5 year-old asked me if Penis was a bad word. I said no it's not and before I could explain further, he ran into the next room and yelled to his brother "I'm going to drop kick your penis"
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) March 14, 2022
*filling out preschool form*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 1, 2018
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
3yo: ew daddy farted and it smells like grass.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 22, 2020
Me: do you mean ass?
3yo: no that’s a bad word you grasshole.
[ in the car ]
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 17, 2021
My kid: the song said a bad word
Me: shit, forgot you were back there
Of all the options available to save for my kids’ college tuition, I’m pretty sure a Swear Jar would yield the highest return in our house. #momlife #swears #swearjar
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) September 6, 2018
friend: we don't use swear words around our kids
— The Dad (@thedad) October 10, 2018
me: yeah, me neither
my kid: bullshit
My 9yo is just saying every swear word he’s ever heard, in his sleep. I cannot stop laughing at his little baby face fast asleep mumbling, “Fuck shit balls.”
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) January 21, 2023
Listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance…
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) January 15, 2024
8: “I think she said a bad word.”
(Cause I’m a free bitch baby)
10: “No, she said it’s a ‘free bridge’, like you don’t have to pay to go over it.”
7-year-old: I said a bad word quietly so you wouldn’t hear me
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 27, 2022
Me: Why are you telling me now?
7-year-old: I just thought you would want to know
I’m now aware of my daughter’s progress in spelling after I spelled a bad word and she yelled “MOM YOU JUST SAID SHIT”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 11, 2023
My kindergartner told me some of her friends were throwing up the middle finger at recess. When I told her we don’t do that at school she said, “we only curse when someone is driving slow.” And now she’s officially ready for a driver’s license.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) September 14, 2022
6: I have to say a bad word in order to tell you what happened at school
— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) September 6, 2022
Me: ok, but just once
6: she called her… stupid
Me, relieved: that wasn’t nice of her.
6: at least I didn’t have to say fuck
Wife: use animal names instead of curse words around the kids please.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) November 15, 2019
Me: like snake instead of sh-
Wife: yes.
Me: like duck instead of fu-
Wife: yes.
Me: like ass instead of ass?
Wife:
Me: what? it’s an animal lol.
Daughter: [whispers] he’s ducked.