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Oh apologies, we were just smashing our head on the desk as we await the result of one of the most gruelling elections of modern times.
Yup, the results still aren’t in and seemingly in a quest to make political observers around the world consider taking up careers in absolutely anything else, the Trump team has been absolutely on one.
All these people have made false claims in recent days that range from barely comprehensible to outright dangerous. Here’s what they said – and what was wrong with it.
Trump and his supporters
Nothing sums up the utter shambles that is Donald Trump’s approach to democracy than the contrast between his supporters in different states.
As Trump threatened to sue over what he alleged was a “stolen” election (fib 1 – there’s no evidence of this), having baselessly declared victory even though the count was nowhere near over (fib 2), his supporters in some states gathered to demand counts be stopped – while in others they insisted ballots be, er, counted, which is obviously what was already happening.
After the president claimed, without evidence, that mail-in ballots in states such as Michigan had fraudulently favoured opponent Joe Biden (fib 3 – again, no evidence of fraud), fans of the president appeared at the TCF Centre in Detroit shouting “let us in” and “stop the count”.
Local media reported raucous scenes as Republican counters attempted to enter the building, alleging they were being unfairly kept out – a claim denied by local Democrats also kept outside. (This might be fib 3 but in fairness it’s their word against the other lot.)
In stark contrast, pro-Trump demonstrators showed up at counts in Nevada and Arizona demanding that all votes be counted.
Outside the counting centre in Maricopa County, Phoenix, a crowd of Republican supporters, some armed, gathered shouting “count the votes” and “Fox News sucks”, after the right-wing TV network earlier called Arizona in Biden’s favour.
To cap it all off, on Thursday Trump himself weighed in and tweeted “STOP THE COUNT!” which we can only assume means Trump’s supporters who were saying “count the votes” were in fact lying about what they wanted.
Really Mr President? Cuz if you did, you would lose...
Eric Trump
One of the more informative aspects of election day was confirmation that Eric Trump is in fact not a vampire, as he appeared outside in actual daylight to defend his father and throw around all sorts of rubbish.
He said: “We’re going to win Pennsylvania, but they’re trying to cheat us out of it because they know it’s their only path to victory. We are going to file a suit in Pennsylvania. It is the last thing that we wanted to do. It’s the last thing my father wanted to do.
“But this is rampant corruption. It can’t happen. It’s not fair.”
“This isn’t democracy.”
Aaaaaand we’ll stop you there, Eric, but this absolutely is democracy, right in front of your eyes functioning exactly as it should.
We were going to show you a clip of his speech but instead we found this version by Scottish comedian Jane Godley which is far more entertaining.
Eric Trump again
Last night Eric Trump tweeted: “We have won Pennsylvania!”
We’re not even going to honour this with a third sentence as it is a total fib and the votes are still being counted.
Oh, look who it is – Eric Trump
This fib was so fibticious, Eric was reprimanded by an actual city.
On Wednesday, he retweeted a video that purported to show a man torching 80 ballots for Trump in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Unsurprisingly, it was no such thing and the actual City of Virginia Beach, debunked his post.
“Those were sample ballots,” the actual city managed to tweet despite not having hands, fingers or a mobile phone that HuffPost is aware of.
In a statement on its website, city officials said: “A concerned citizen shared a video with us that ostensibly shows someone burning ballots. They are NOT official ballots, they are sample ballots.”
Officials noted “the absence of the bar code markings that are on all official ballots” in a screenshot from said video.
“The ballots in the video were sample ballots. Fire investigators are looking into the illegal burning,” they added.
The account that originally posted the clip has now been suspended. Due to fibbing, obviously.
Paula White
You may not be aware of Paula White. She is an evangelical Christian and spiritual adviser to the least evangelical Christian and spiritual president in US history.
She’s been very busy this week. As the ballot counting continues in battleground states, White has been leading a marathon prayer service at the New Christian Destiny Centre near Orlando.
Here’s a transcript of the 105-second segment doing the rounds on social media and we promise you, these are not typos. At one point White appears to begin speaking in tongues, a common part of Christian worship in some denominations, though not typically used to summon angels to affect the outcome of an election.
”... and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike, and strike until you have victory.
“For every enemy that is aligned against you, let there be, that we would strike the ground. You will give us victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of shouting and singing. I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain. I hear a sound of victory
“The Lord says it is done. The Lord says it is done. The Lord says it is done. For I hear victory, victory, victory, victory. In the corners of heaven. In the corners of heaven. Victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory.
“For angels are being released right now. Angels are being dispatched right now.
“Amunda, acka, atta, racka, dayda, packa, sanda, atta, amba, orsa, katta, reekay, panda, atta, reekay, deedy, asha, tar.
“For angels have even dissphur... dispatched from Africa right now, Africa right now, Africa right now. From Africa right now.
“They’re coming here. They’re coming here. In the name of Jesus. From South America, they’re coming here, they’re coming here, they’re coming here, they’re coming here, they’re coming here.
“From Africa. From South America. Angelic forces. Angelic reinforcement. Angelic reinforcement. Angelic reinforcement. Angelic reinforcement.
“Theeka, hacka, anda, atta. Rura, batta, atta, acha, acha, manda, rassa, taa. For I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory.
“I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory. I hear the sound of victory.”
Yet at the time of writing this is all a giant fib as no angels from Africa, South America or any other continent have been seen anywhere which is a bit shoddy tbh. Also we're not sure she could hear any rain because she was indoors at t
Here’s a version with added beats and a cat.
You’re welcome.