Conflict with loved ones is inevitable, as much as we’d like to avoid it. Even in the best relationships, you’re bound to bump heads occasionally. But how you navigate tense moments can strengthen or damage those bonds.
When things get heated, an argument can quickly spiral out of control, making it virtually impossible to have a productive conversation. Keeping some pacifying phrases on hand can help cool things off and bring you closer to a resolution — or at least to a place where you can better understand each other’s point of view.
We asked therapists to share the simple phrases that have the power to de-escalate an argument before it blows up. Here’s what they recommend and why:
1. ‘Help me understand.’
Conflicts tend to escalate when someone isn’t feeling heard or understood, said Los Angeles-area clinical psychologist Ryan Howes. Saying “help me understand” is a way to approach the situation with curiosity and openness, rather than defensiveness or finger-pointing.
“By asking for more information, you’re helping your loved one feel heard while gathering as much information as possible before looking for a solution,” he told HuffPost.
Genuine attempts to understand the other person’s perspective “shifts the conversation away from a power struggle or who’s right,” Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Abigail Makepeace added.
“By inviting them to share their point of view, you’re validating their feelings, which can reduce defensiveness and open the door to a more productive exchange,” she told HuffPost.
“It is hard to be defensive if the person you’re speaking to really hears you.”
- Sarah Epstein, marriage and family therapist
It also shows that you care more about the relationship than trying to win the argument.
“People are more likely to engage calmly when they feel their thoughts are being respected and considered, and this approach helps reduce the intensity by fostering connection and clarity,” Makepeace added.
2. ‘That is a problem. Let’s figure this out together.’
Arguments often become “you versus me” rather than “you and me versus the problem.” This leaves the two of you divided rather than united, Howes said.
“By inviting your loved one to find a solution together, you’re prioritising the connection and teamwork instead of division,” he said. “You’ll likely find that by working together, you’ll find a resolution that is better than the one you could on your own.”
3. ‘That’s a good point.’
This phrase and others like it validates your loved one’s perspective, which can “immediately bring down the temperature in the room,” Dallas marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein told HuffPost.
“It is hard to be defensive if the person you’re speaking to really hears you,” she said.
4. ‘What I’m hearing you say is...’
It’s a point that bears repeating: Arguments tend to intensify when people feel like they’re being misunderstood or ignored. This phrase demonstrates that you are actively listening and trying to understand their perspective, as opposed to just waiting for your next turn to speak, Makepeace said.
“Even if your interpretation isn’t perfect, this shows the other person that you’re genuinely trying to understand their experience and seeking clarity,” she said. “This simple acknowledgment can help break down defensiveness and make them feel heard, which is often the first step in de-escalating a situation.”
If you want to take it a step further, you might also say, “Did I get that right?” or “Is that what you meant?” Makepeace suggested. This creates a more collaborative dynamic and ensures you’re both on the same page.
“When the other person feels their message has been understood, it builds trust, and the conversation can move away from defensiveness and toward resolution,” she added.
5. ‘I need to take a break. I’m feeling too upset to have a meaningful conversation.’
During a quarrel, you might experience something known as emotional flooding. Stress hormones are released, activating the body’s fight-or-flight response. Your heart races, your breathing is shallow and you can’t listen well or think clearly. When you’re that overwhelmed, it’s pretty much impossible to communicate effectively.
Being able to recognise when you’re in this state and then requesting a break “allows both parties to come back to the conversation with a cool head and feeling more generous,” Epstein said.
One important note: Whoever needs the break should communicate that (versus storming off without warning) and also state when they’ll come back to the discussion “so that the other person doesn’t feel like the conversation was abandoned,” Epstein said.
6. ‘What can we do differently next time?’
Too often, arguments “get bogged down in ‘you did this’ and ’no, I didn’t,” without ever making it to the solution stage, Howes said. Asking the other person what can change going forward reaffirms that you’re on the same team and want to better handle conflict together.
“Once the problem has been clarified, it’s OK to move toward a solution, and preferably one that is co-created by both of you,” Howes added. “It’s likely you’ll find yourself in a similar problematic situation in the future, and it helps to have a game plan in mind.”
7. ‘Thank you for being willing to talk about this with me.’
Expressing gratitude is another way to defuse tension in emotionally charged conversations, Makepeace said. Thanking the other person for their willingness to talk about a difficult subject does just that.
“It sets a tone of mutual respect, signalling that both parties are working toward understanding rather than winning the argument,” she added. “This approach can make the conversation feel safer for both people, helping them stay calm and open, even when discussing sensitive issues.”