In a recent Reddit post shared to r/AmITheAsshole (AITA), Redditor u/EmotionalYear1372 shared that they’d been married to their husband for nine years but had only recently considered separating their finances.
“I’m the saver and he’s the spender,” they explained, adding that this wasn’t really a problem at the beginning of their relationship because they had to incomes and lived “comfortably.”
“His family has always ‘borrowed’ money from us but rarely ever pay that money back,” they shared, clarifying “I personally don’t lend money not even to family but I do not stop him from lending to his.”
A few years ago, they had a change in circumstance
The original poster (OP) wrote that a few years ago, their husband had been in a car crash.
This meant he couldn’t work, so OP became the breadwinner ― though their husband was eligible for disability benefits, it didn’t come through until four years after the accident.
“In that time we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything,” the post author revealed. “Our debt mounted and there was nothing I could do.”
That debt included 50k that the Redditor had spent on their shared vehicle over the years. So when their husband got the backpay from his delayed disability benefits, she asked him to cover some of those costs and other debts.
He didn’t
“Instead he blew the money, loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created,” the poster claims.
“During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I had enough saved. He knew I was saving to do this.”
Then, OP noticed 700 bucks missing from their savings account. So they asked their husband where it went, to which he replied that he’d loaned it to his parents.
“I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it,” OP wrote. “He said, ‘I don’t know when they can afford to.’”
The post author was pretty upset
The Redditor wrote, “He didn’t ask me, we didn’t speak about it. He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off and I would say no if he asked. We had a huge fight.”
Then, she checked her bank account the next day ― only to realise that another grand had been lent to his parents.
“I flat out told him that as of today I’m done with his parents,” the post author shared. “If he wants to lend all his disability [allowance] to them, fine, but I’m not gonna go bust my ass 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.”
They ended the post asking whether they were the asshole for going to the bank to deposit all their money into another account their husband can’t reach, adding “He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy. I would like to see them happy; I just don’t want to pay for that happiness.”
People had *thoughts*
Commenters, who officially dubbed the poster “not the A-hole,” sure had some responses to the post.
“A separation of finances might not be the only separation necessary here,” one Redditor suggested.
“This is not a new behaviour since after the accident, it’s always been like this, just not that impactful. There’s a disrespect for this partnership in general from his side.”
Another site user wrote, “This level of disregard for financial stability and lack of communication is a major red flag for the relationship itself.”
Yet another commenter suggested, “Check and lock your credit too, who knows what credit cards he might have opened in your name.”
What do you think?