I have fond memories of all the sleepovers I attended as a child. We’d watch films, eat absolute rubbish, chat until the early hours – it was so much fun.
I’ll never forget how, at primary school, one of my friends had a sleepover and one of our closest pals wasn’t able to come because her parents were strongly against it. We must’ve been about 10 or 11.
At the time I thought it was unfair. Fast forward to now, having two kids of my own, and I completely understand where they were coming from.
In fact, I’ve noticed a growing movement of parents who are putting their feet firmly down when it comes to their children attending sleepovers at other people’s homes.
Some are against it completely, others are fine as long as the sleepover is in their own home, but they wouldn’t dream of allowing their child to go to someone else’s place.
While you might think they’re being overprotective, a former child abuse detective has affirmed that actually, being cautious about sleepovers is in everyone’s best interest.
The problem with sleepovers
Former detective Kristi McVee, who is now a child safety educator, said sleepovers were one of her “core memories” as a child. That said, she also warned they’re “one of the most dangerous and risky experiences your child can be involved in”.
This is because “slumber parties are where most [child] abuse happens”, said the expert in a video shared on Instagram.
“As a child abuse detective, I used to see this often where children would go to a family member’s house or a friend’s house and this is where child sexual abuse would happen.”
And it’s not just other parents that can be perpetrators, she said – it’s other family members (like grandparents, siblings and cousins) or even the children attending the sleepover.
“The risks increase when your child is somewhere that is outside of your protection and control,” she wrote in the caption for her video.
It’s hard to say how many children in the UK have experienced sexual abuse, however the NSPCC pointed to some research which found as many as one in 20 kids are impacted.
Unfortunately, girls and older children are more likely to experience sexual abuse and, alarmingly, most kids who experience this are abused by someone they know.
How to know when it’s safe for your child to go on a sleepover
You’ll never know fully if they’re going to be safe, however McVee does share the following advice: “I don’t recommend children going to anyone else’s houses until they are 100%, or you’re 100%, sure that they will stand up for themselves.”
She went on to say children should know their “body safety rights” so they can “speak up” and “push back” should anyone try to abuse them.
It’s also important they know they can – and should – call you if anything unsafe happens at a sleepover.
According to experts at The Haven Wolverhampton, a refuge for women and children, it’s imperative that parents teach children the proper names for their body parts – we’re talking penis, vulva and vagina.
This is because if someone was ever to touch them inappropriately, they would be able to use the proper names and (hopefully) communicate that clearly. Your Whole Body is a great book for kickstarting conversations about body parts.
It’s also really important to discuss which body parts are private, according to the refuge’s 10-point guide to body safety, and that “if someone touches their private parts, they need to speak to a trusted adult immediately”.
The guidance also advises children to be taught to act on “icky” feelings – basically, if something doesn’t feel right, to tell a trusted adult – as well as that if anyone asks them to keep a secret, especially body secrets, this is never OK and they should tell someone.
The NSPCC’s Pantosaurus is a really helpful learning resource for kids (they can watch the video here which features a catchy song and dancing dinosaur). It’s important to teach them the PANTS rules which are:
- Pants are private,
- Always remember your body belongs to you,
- No means no,
- Talk about secrets that upset you, and
- Speak up, someone can help.
Tips for a safe sleepover
Rosalia Rivera, a content educator, has come up with a five-point sleepover safety checklist, which includes ensuring you know every single person that lives in the home where your child will be staying, and being across what the sleeping arrangements will be.
She also advises asking questions ahead of time such as: will everyone sleep in a common space or a closed space room? And what is the ratio of kids to adults?
And remember, it’s perfectly OK to say ‘no’ to your kid going on a sleepover. Keeping your child safe will always be more important.