If your child falls over and your default reaction is to sweep them up, hug them and instantly say ‘you’re okay’, you’re certainly not alone.
I’ve done it a fair share of times – as have countless other parents. Heck, sometimes I’ll say it without even thinking about what’s coming out of my mouth.
But a child therapist suggests saying ‘you’re okay’ or even ‘it’s okay’ isn’t the best response when your little one is upset, angry or has hurt themselves because – while well intentioned – it invalidates their feelings.
Tracy Wilshusen shared a now-viral video on TikTok where she asked parents to watch a short snippet from popular Pixar film Inside Out.
“I’m a child therapist and I use this clip with my kids and their parents constantly,” she said.
In the clip, a character called Bing Bong has lost something that’s important to him, and he becomes sad.
One of the other characters, Joy, tries to cheer him up: “Hey, it’s going to be okay. We can fix this,” she says, before trying to make him laugh by tickling him and pulling faces.
When Bing Bong continues to sit and look sad, another character – aptly named Sadness – comes over to speak to him. “I’m sorry they took your rocket,” she says. “They took something that you loved. It’s gone, forever.”
Bing Bong then opens up about how he’s feeling – and is able to sit with his emotions and let them play out. Bing Bong and Sadness then hug and he has a little cry.
Wilshusen explained that a lot of parents try to “fix” or distract their children when they have big feelings, but this isn’t the best method as “it invalidates the child’s feelings and teaches them to label different emotions as good or bad”.
Instead, she recommends letting children process their emotions. “Drawing, journalling, hugs, deep breathing and talking to loved ones are great ways to process big feelings,” she explained in the video.
After having a good cry, Bing Bong says “I’m okay now” and is able to move on.
In a separate video, the child therapist explained that while it’s okay to say something like ‘it’s okay to feel sad/angry/upset’ to a child, if you were to say ‘it’s okay, you’re fine’ when they clearly aren’t, that’s going to invalidate how they’re feeling.
“Let’s say your kid is playing at the park and they fall and bump their head. If you tell them ‘it’s okay, you’re okay’ they’re thinking to themselves: ’No, that really hurt. I’m really sad, that hurt,” she said.
“Then they start thinking: ‘Am I not allowed to feel sad? Am I not allowed to feel hurt?’ That’s why a lot of kids and a lot of adults repress different emotions. The biggest ones I see are anger and sadness.”
Sue Asquith, an early childhood consultant and specialist in children’s self-regulation, agreed it’s best to validate and acknowledge how kids are feeling, rather than simply saying ‘it’s okay’ and dismissing them.
“You want children to know they’re secure, that you’ve got their back, and you’ll help them through it,” she told Famly.
“We can treat these moments as opportunities to learn more about our children and what matters to them, rather than treating it like a challenge to wash over or sweep under the rug.”
What to say instead
It’s hard to get out of the habit when our default is to tell kids ‘it’s okay’ – because, in the moment, we’re simply trying to make them feel better.
Here are some things you could try saying instead the next time they’re sad, mad or hurt:
- Are you okay?
- I’m here for you.
- Do you want a hug?
- Can I do something to help you feel better?
- It’s okay to feel this way.