We’ve all been there. You’re out with a colleague – one minute you’re talking over each other and the next, there’s a silence that somehow feels like the longest, most intense silence you’ve ever known.
And you can’t possibly figure out how to fill it.
But then, around your best friend or a close family member, that same silence feels fine. Peaceful, even. A natural lull in the conversation that will be filled in no time.
Of course, we know there are different feelings of mutual silence – but how does it happen and why do these gaps feel so huge around certain people?
Longer gaps in conversation can be a sign of deeper connection
Researchers at Dartmouth University in the US sat pairs of participants down in a café for 10 minutes of unstructured conversation, which was filmed via webcam.
Once the 10 minutes were over, participants were asked to separately rate their impression of the conversation and then watch the video to rate how connected they felt during certain moments of the conversation.
In the next part of the study, they asked people who weren’t aware of the relationship between those talking to rate clips based on factors including awkwardness, connection, and non-verbal communication.
What the researchers found was that, actually, while long gaps (more than two seconds) of silence between strangers was a sign of disconnection, between friends it often marked “moments of increased connection”.
Not only that, but friends actually tend to have more pauses in conversation than strangers. Both the researchers and the observers of the study agreed that long pauses in conversation were very awkward when shared between strangers.
Between friends, silence is a moment of reflection
The study found that between strangers, a long gap in conversation often resulted in a change of subject. Again, we’ve all been there, desperately searching for something, ANYTHING to fill the silence…
But between friends, silence is a moment for reacting and reflecting on what’s been said. Participants used gaps in conversations to think back on their words and on shared memories.
Between friends and loved ones, it seems that silence is simply another opportunity to get closer and savour the bond shared.