Last month saw the release of the film Friends With Benefits. Starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, the film asks the age old question, "Can you have sex with someone and remain just friends?" The film was fun and touching, with a suitably romantic Hollywood ending. More interestingly, the film unwittingly revealed the flawed premise underneath that question.
Asking, "Can you have sex with someone and remain just friends?" assumes that sex has the power to complicate friendship. This assumes that sex is complicated and friendship is simple.
But friendships occupy complex emotional terrain. In the film, the relationship between Timberlake's and Kunis' characters only gets complicated when she spends time with his family. He finds out that she is about to spend... on her own, and insists that she join him at his family home. Upon persuasion, she agrees. Up until that point, their budding friendship was fun and flirtatious. They shared laughter and had sex. When she meets his family including his ailing father, she begins to see more than a fun, flirty, sexy guy. She sees his humanity - his tenderness, fear and vulnerability.
When they fall out with each other, it isn't because of sex, its because of the friendship. As they get to know each each other better, they struggle to be good friends.
So, I would turn the question on its head and ask, "Can you have a friendship with someone and still have uncomplicated sex with them?"
It is possible to have friends with benefits, but I'd advise clear boundaries, clear communication, and the full knowledge that there is the risk that one of you might develop romantic feelings for the other. With that caveat, this is how I'd suggest being friends with benefits.
Its easier if you've already known each other for a while and have an established friendship. This gives you both an important advantage. It takes away the mystery that is associated with the first few months of dating someone. If that sounds unromantic, thats the point. You are not dating, you are sharing sex with someone you know and like. And trust.
That brings me to another point - you need to trust each other in order to be good friends with benefits. You'll need to say what you mean and mean what you say. You are breaking conventions by being friends with benefits, so you'll need to make your own agreements. Make clear agreements, stick to them and tell each other if you want to change an agreement, or if you want to change the status of your relationship.
Make up your own rules. For example, you may decide that you won't go to out to dinner-for-two, because it has romantic overtones. You may prefer to hang out and watch movies. Different people find different things romantic, so the main thing is to talk about it and see what works for the two of you.
If the two of you share a circle of colleagues/ mates/ acquaintances, decide together whether or not you tell people about your friendship. I suggest you don't tell them. Keep your friendship private.
And talk about how you're going to end the 'with benefits' part of your friendship. We tend to find it hard to think about endings relationship - especially when sex is involved. But its a relationship skill that will stand you in good stead. Discuss how and why you would want to stop sleeping together. Perhaps one of you will meet someone you want to go out with. Or you might decide that you want to go back to being just friends. Generally speaking, a friends-with-benefits type of relationship works best over a limited time frame. Over a long period of time, deeper attachments start to form. Secondly, most people want to find a partner and be in a committed, monogamous relationship. Discuss with each other how you're going to transition out of sharing sex together.
On the surface, the idea of being friends with benefits is appealing because it seems uncomplicated. As in the film, most people trip up because they underestimate the complexity of friendship and of feelings. Sharing regular sex strengthens those complexities because it strengthens the bond between you. If you approach being friends-with-benefits seriously rather than frivolously, it can be a fun, intimate and relaxed space.
But it needs to be taken seriously.