As we age, it’s natural for our bodies, minds and everyday lives to change. And those shifts bring about changes to our sexuality, too.
But different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. It’s very much possible to have satisfying sex well into your 60s and beyond, even if it’s not the same kind of sex you had in your younger years.
For some, that may mean trying different sex positions that honor their current body and its abilities, while also exploring other intimate acts that don’t necessarily include penetration.
“Getting older is not about trying to be able to do the same sexual activities you’ve always done before,” clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel told HuffPost, “but to find positions and paces that are more comfortable and make the sexual act more enjoyable.”
“If sex is painful or uncomfortable, it leads to disappointment and avoidance, which detracts from the quality of life for both individuals and couples,” he added.
Finding ways to be more present and comfortable in your body and less caught up in your thoughts can make sex much more pleasurable at any age.
“People who enjoy sex over their lifespan all report being able to enjoy first and foremost being in their bodies,” said sex therapist Nan Wise, author of “Why Good Sex Matters.” “Rather than thinking so much about how our bodies look to others, the ability to feel connected with the sensations in our bodies and appreciate all that’s right with our bodies, rather than focus on how we think our bodies should look and feel, is key to lifelong sexual potential.”
We asked sex experts which positions they recommend for folks in their 60s and beyond.
Modified Missionary
In the classic missionary sex position, the receiving partner is lying flat on their back, while the penetrating partner is on top of them and they’re facing one another. In this variation on missionary, the receiving partner lays on their back with their legs in the air and places a pillow beneath their lower back. It’s a great option if standard missionary puts too much pressure on the penetrating partner’s hips or back, said sex therapist Jesse Kahn.
“If they’re on a bed, the penetrating partner then stands at the edge of the bed. This gives the partner lying down additional support while the partner standing up is able to use more of their body for force, rather than predominantly their hips,” Kahn, the director of the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, told HuffPost.
69ing
Sixty-nining is when two partners are giving and receiving oral sex simultaneously. The inverted position of the two bodies — their face by your genitals, your face by their genitals — sort of looks like the numbers 6 and 9, hence the name.
Traditionally, 69ing is done with one partner lying on their back and the other on top, straddling their partner’s face. But you can also do it lying on your sides, facing one another.
“You can play around with positions based on each person’s needs, such as one partner being on top of the other or the sideways 69,” Kahn said. “The sideways 69 reduces stress on the joints and body to hold yourself up by having both partners laying on their sides. Of course, being on a soft surface, such as a bed, can help with comfort and reduce stress on the body as well.”
The Speed Bump
Also known as “supported rear entry,” the speed bump is a position that involves the receiving partner lying on their stomach with a pillow (wedged-shaped ones can be useful here) beneath their hips, with the penetrating partner on top in a tabletop position, entering from behind.
“This position allows the bottom partner to control the depth and angle of the penetration,” said Siegel. “It can also make it easier to hit the G-spot, as well as giving more control to those that find deep penetration either comfortable or uncomfortable. There can also be added clitoral or penile stimulation by grinding against the pillow or bolster underneath.”
For a non-penetrative option, you can have the person on top lay face down, across the back of the partner on the bottom.
“This can be particularly fun when a good massage oil is added and it becomes about bodies rubbing against each other and does not have to involve penetration at all,” Siegel said.
“In situations where both partners have vulvas, this position affords the person on top to grind their clitoris and vulva against the buttocks of the person below. It can also be an ideal position for strap-on play, even in the absence of physical limitations.”
Doggy-Style
Doggy style is when the receiving partner is on all fours and the penetrating partner kneels and enters them from behind. Kahn recommends this one for folks with lower mobility and hip pain, but notes that it might not be so comfortable for people with certain types of back pain.
For additional support, the receiving partner can also try placing a pillow (or a sex wedge, if they have one) beneath their pelvic area.
“In this position, you can also play around with your leg position, such as wide-legged, based on each person’s body’s needs,” Kahn said.
Spooning
When spooning, “both partners are lying on their sides, facing the same direction, with the back of one partner against the front of the other,” Siegel explained.
The benefit of this position: It allows you to explore many different types of stimulation without a whole lot of physical effort, he said, such as “reaching over and playing with your partner’s breasts, vulva, penis or belly, holding them close as you press against them,” Siegel said.
“This could be a good position for entering your partner’s vagina or anusor just sliding your penis between your partner’s thighs if full intercourse is not desired. This can be helpful for those with limited mobility, knee or back pain or upper-body weakness.”
Remember that sex doesn’t need to be centered around genital penetration to be pleasurable. For many older adults, “it’s about sharing intimacy, affection and emotional gratification,” Siegel said.