Dad Captures The Horror Of Helping Out On A School Trip With Hilarious Live Tweets

'This last batch of puking has set off some sort of chain reaction and more children are now puking and lots more crying.'

A dad who live tweeted his experience chaperoning a school trip promised his followers there would be “scenes”, and the day certainly lived up to his worst expectations.

Simon Smith, who goes by the Twitter handle @simonfromharlow, volunteered to help take his daughter’s 60 classmates to the Science Museum. He was tasked with looking after seven of the Year 5 pupils and he optimistically brought a book along for the trip, but of course he never got to open it.

However, he did find time to send more than 100 tweets documenting how excruciatingly painful he found the day. Here are some of the highlights:

Teachers and Teaching assistants. You have my utmost respect. I have witnessed and experienced a huge amount of fuckery today

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

The school party set off at 8.40am and before they’d even boarded the coach the children had already managed to get on Smith’s nerves.

I have six children in my group. One of the boys has just called me ‘Bruv’ pic.twitter.com/1IiXGirIuU

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Things only got worse once on the coach:

Ah. Coach seats all have seatbelts now. This is causing an unprecedented amount of fuckery

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

I’ve been seated next to ‘Bruv’ he’s just announced he’s prone to travel sickness

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

All the children had been asked to go to the toilet before they set off, but of course...

We’ve traveled half a mile. Three children need the toilet

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

One mile in. Most of the lunches have gone and approximately 30% of the people on this coach need the toilet

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

The on-coach banter was as enlightening as you’d expect.

Farts. Farts are occurring.

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

More farts. Blame is being opportioned to one boy by the whole year group

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

If this rancid smell is the work of one boy then wow. Its like a medieval mortuary

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Crying now. One girl is crying because of the smell

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

It wasn’t long before his own daughter turned on him.

My own daughter just made eye contact. It was sinister. Almost sure she just mouthed “You absolute mug” at me

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Then a couple of hours in, the moment Smith had been bracing himself for:

SOMEONE HAS BEEN SICK

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

And the convo continued to be riveting:

Current Ear Piss:

Are we nearly there yet?
Does the Queen live here (Every big building)
Why isn’t everyone rich?
My Dad met that Nirvana man once
Why is there so many people?
Are we nearly there yet?
I feel sick
Is everyone here in the Royal Family?
West Ham are rubbish

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

“No. No we’re not nearly there yet” pic.twitter.com/jz8F2GIEOS

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

The kids enjoyed a bit of sightseeing:

The kids have just spotted a McDonalds in Swiss Cottage and a mass cheer has erupted. They’ve lost their fucking minds

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

When they finally arrived there was still no relief.

We’ve just parked up and one of my group has been sick. Absolutely textbook

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Jesus CHRIST. Just walked three flights of stairs with 60 ten year olds and it was like being back in The Army

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

KEEP GOING. NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

The exhibition prompted more conversational gold.

Updated Ear Piss:

I’m hungry
I’m thirsty
If I fell from here would I die?
I forgot my lunch
Sometimes when I poo there’s peanuts in it

FML

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Time for fun.

Seven ten year olds in a gift shop is like a really shit hybrid version of The Crystal Maze and fucking Die Hard

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

In an added layer of fuckery they all buying slime and putty because of course they are

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

Two of my group in tears because their feet hurt

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

His daughter was definitely in on the joke.

My own daughter is laughing maniacally whenever I catch her eye

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

And the return journey was equally as eventful.

This last batch of puking has set off some sort of chain reaction and more children are now puking and lots more crying

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

“SIR DO YOU HAVE PUBES”

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

That’s it. I’m done

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018

There will not be a next time

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) May 21, 2018
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