One of the most common questions that I'm asked often by people who visit my website is: 'Why do women always go for the bad guy?"
In this blog post, I will be as transparent and honest about my own personal experiences of being one of those women who CHOOSE to never learn their lesson, and hopefully, I will be able to give some clarity to why this is such a common predicament, and why it always will be.
There's no particular 'type' of woman who falls for the bad boys.
The image that conjures up in our head of the TYPICAL TYPE of woman who forever falls for the 'bad boy' is something like this:
She's probably insecure, naive, hyper- emotional and carries deep rooted feelings of inadequacy and self hate, hence why she allows herself to get caught up in the never-ending cycle where guys end up hurting her and causing her emotional upheaval, because on some level, she believes she deserves it.
This in my opinion, based on first hand experience of falling head over heels for the archetypal bad guy ( more than once) is a lazy conclusion.
Like myself, there are millions of successful, head strong, confident ,intelligent and self aware women in the world who CONSCIOUSLY allow themselves to be drawn into a fling or a relationship that will undoubtedly produce plenty of drama, frustration and tears.
A Roller-coaster ride VS a Merry-go-round.
Bad guys are like the Roller-coaster ride at the fairground. You know you shouldn't go on one, but you do it anyway, because the rush and adrenaline you experience makes it feel like it's all worth it.
The negative emotional extremes that we experience when dating a 'bad guy' are matched by the colossally positive extremes that Mr Nice Guy, unfortunately fails to provide. Mr Nice Guy is like a Merry-go-round. Pleasant, but essentially forgettable.
Bad Guy Traits.
Now when I say 'bad guy' I'm not talking about a depraved human being who hurts women physically, or a particularly vile character who gets off on deliberatly causing another human being psychological or emotional pain. This category of men should be avoided like the plague!
When I talk about the classic bad guy that women often fall for, I'm speaking about a man who is:
Unreliable
Cocky
Arrogant
Womanising
Selfish
Self-centred
Highly strung
Hard to read
Emotionally unavailable.
Commitment phobic
Little Boy Lost
This guy is bad news, and like a moth to a flame we find ourselves drawn to him, not because we are ignorant or lack self esteem, but because quite simply he is a challenge. Just like men who develop huge surges of attraction for a woman who keeps him waiting and who sends him endless hoops to jump through before he can get a slice of the pie, we enjoy the thrill of a 'different kind ' of chase. We are chasing the potential that lies inside every bad guy. We spot a moment of tenderness, insecurity or even dare I say it, love, and just like that, the chase is on!
As human beings we appreciate something that we have invested in and worked for far more than when it's handed to us on a plate, and this is the central point to the logic that seems so illogical when one looks in from the outside.
Take Roger, my ex-boyfriend, who is now a dear friend of mine. He was a walking cliche of a 'bad guy' - exhibit A. He made it a rule never to put women first, was a master of hide and seek (never available when you wanted him to be and always available when he wanted you). He was an egotist, fickle and had a history of never staying committed to one woman for longer than a week. However, our initial fling presented to me moments where I got to see another side to him, I like to call this side the 'little boy lost' (A trait every bad guy who is successful with women possess). Although the words of past advice such as "Get yourself a nice and decent guy" and "Stay away from heartbreakers" floated through my mind, the tenacious desire to extract the more loving and warm side of this heartbreaker overwhelmed me once again, and so I embarked on a fantastic relationship, that brimmed with passion, arguments, drama and ecstasy which was all fueled by the constant challenge that I had set myself.
This is why women find themselves often caught up in an often described as 'unhealthy' relationship.
If they took the time to understand why they yearn for the emotional roller-coaster ride and dissever their intoxicating emotional reactions to these kind of guys, rather than just lazily romanticising it by uttering the cliched and tragic statement: "BUT I LOVE HIM... !"
Then perhaps they will realise that it is THE CHALLENGE that is the thrill rather than the man, and as a result, the acknowledgement of this will give them the ability to micro-manage their feelings just enough to be able to still enjoy the game, rather than allowing their feelings to spiral out of control and dwarf 'the fun' that the game presents, and consequently leave them vulnerable and exposed to heart break.
On a side point, I have dated some wonderful and caring men too and equally they have given me some of the most passionate experiences I will ever have, and I would never put them in the 'Mr Nice Guy' category (Which is a whole other article for another time)
The only problem with bad guys, is that once you have set free the little boy lost, you might find yourself quickly searching for a new challenge to amuse yourself with.