This weekend I flew to Italy and I fell in love with a man. He was a straight, so I'm wondering if I should convert to straight now and then we have a chance at happiness. That's how it works right? His name was Daz. I pictured it immediately Stephen and Daz - the local gays. Channel 4 would come a knocking too and ask us to be part of their new reality show. We'd say yes and the nation would also fall in love with our love.
Then, I came back to Earth. It wasn't love in Daz's eyes - it was fear and my job here is done.
Ladies, Daz is single and the kindest man I've ever met. Even though, his heterosexuality prevents it, I'm pretty sure he had a little twinkle in his eye for me.
It triggered some pretty interesting conversation on the picturesque trip (as if I've just used that word - I'll be eat fucking olives next) from Siena to Florence.
Do you believe in The One?
Do you believe in that epic Vampire Diaries love?
What qualities do you look for in The One?
I'm going to give you a huge spoiler right now - we have none of the answers. I find it always makes for a fascinating conversation between me and my pals as I get the age old saying (from HRH Carrie Bradshaw) is true "we make our own rules".
Growing up, I was obsessed with Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan films (I won't apologise). My TV series included Sex and the City, Charmed, Buffy, Ally McBeal (my friend Sara calls me Ally all the time and I'm not sure it's a compliment) and they all had huge story arcs about love. Basically, it set me up for a huge fall. Did you know in real life a man won't go to hell for you? Rude.
I love love though. I love romance and I wish those movie moments where someone chases you out into the rain and tells you 'I can't believe I missed, you're the one' really did exist. **NOTE TO POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS - MAKE IT RAIN AND COME AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME**
I am a realist to know that The One and epic love may not be exactly an achievable thing. But people told me I'd never get a black belt in Tae Kwon-Do and I made that happen
The qualities for me are simple. A lot of my pals are big into penetration. They love a good game of human buckaroo. I've never really had THAT mind-blowing sex where I am willing to tolerate someone because when we connect we make the Megazord. I'd honestly rather have a bath together, whilst watching RuPaul catch up on the iPad and then ordering a Deliveroo. Essentially, I've never had good sex with someone without a soul.
On Grindr most people seem to be after no fems, no fats - which means for me - no fucks! My Grindr listing is very different. I'm looking for kindness. You can usually tell by looking at someone's eyes if they are kind immediately. Someone who is engaging and engaged. I love someone with opinions because that means the chat will never end. And should I get so lucky, I'd love someone with their own teeth - as someone who growing up spent every summer in Rhyl, I know this is a huge ask.
But I believe, I'm going to find a best friend who becomes my boyfriend. Unfortunately, it can't be Darren due to his immoral lifestyle choices... maybe I could get a lock of his hair and clone a gay version. Leave it with me.
**FURTHER NOTE TO POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS - I am actually more low-maintenance than this piece suggests**