In the right circumstances, a crush can be incredibly fun. The butterflies when they text, the rush of blood to your cheeks as you speak about them, the sparks of excitement you feel when you’re around them... It’s all so delicious.
However, for some people, it can go a little further. The wait for a text can make or break somebody’s day, functioning is difficult because all they can think about is their crush and how to make their crush want them back.
This is actually called Limerence and according to the experts at Living With Limerence, it impacts around 5% of the population.
What is limerence?
According to psychotherapist Annie Zimmerman: “Limerence is an obsessive desire to be chosen by someone. This is different from love because love is about your feeling towards them. You have affection and warmth towards them.
“Limerence is about their feelings towards you. Your entire focus becomes about making sure that they want you, that they like you. With limerence, the need to be loved and chosen takes over everything else.”
Zimmerman explained that for those experiencing limerence, they may find that they completely lose themselves just in their hopes of being loved.
Additionally, according to Psychology Today: “Limerence has been tied to trauma. Early childhood abandonment or neglect may correlate to the likelihood of experiencing limerence, and it has been associated with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder.
How to recover from romantic obsession
According to The Attachment Project, the first thing to remember is that limerence is not about the other person, but about you. The experts said: “It’s a symptom of a deeper psychological yearning or wound within you.”
Acknowledging that what you’re experiencing is more than just a crush is the first step. The Attachment Project said: “Noticing our patterns of thoughts and behaviours is the first step toward positive change.
“When we’re aware of what’s happening within us, we can learn what our triggers are and intervene more effectively.”
Next, they advise that you work on yourself.
“Limerence comes from having certain unhelpful beliefs, like believing you need another person to feel happy and complete.
“Sometimes these beliefs can be subconscious so it takes a bit of work to uncover them. Once you’ve identified them, it’ll be easier to replace them with more helpful beliefs about yourself. This is best done with a trained professional, such as a cognitive-behavioural therapist.”
You can refer for talk therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy with the NHS here.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.