As a parent, you’ve spent your child’s whole life learning who they are and how to support them. While you want your child to find love and happiness, it’s possible that you’re holding their romantic partner to a near-impossible ideal.
“It is easy to think that no one is good enough for your child. You want only the best for them and you want the person to be perfect,” Colleen Marshall, a California-based therapist and chief clinical officer for Two Chairs, a service that matches patients with therapists, told HuffPost.
At the same time, you have to trust your child to make this choice by themselves. “They are the best person to know what that partner must be for them,” Marshall continued.
Wanting to do what’s best for your child can leave you feeling torn about what to do when you start seeing their partner’s faults. When should you stand back and leave your child to make their own decisions? When should you step in and say something in the interest of your child’s well-being?
Before you approach your child to talk about their relationship, here are three questions you should ask yourself.
What exactly is your concern?
If you find that your child’s partner’s words or actions are rubbing you the wrong way, try to figure out exactly what it is that’s bothering you.
It’s possible that what you’re seeing as a fault is simply a difference in the way that things are done in your family, or a behaviour that you’re unaccustomed to.
“Each family has its own values, traditions and ways of being. These sometimes can be a source of tension in new relationships,” Marshall said. In a family that values stoicism, for example, a person who is open with their emotions may raise eyebrows.
Parents also want their children to carry forward their religious and cultural traditions, and choosing a partner from outside the community can lead to tensions. These misgivings are illustrated in the Netflix series “Nobody Wants This,” where a handsome young rabbi (Adam Brody) falls for a woman who isn’t Jewish (Kristen Bell), and the couple has a hard time winning the approval of his family members.
Try to be honest with yourself and determine what it is about this person that truly bothers you. Does it actually have something to do with their background? Is this so important to you that you are willing to risk alienating your child? Will you be able to step outside of your comfort zone to welcome this person into your lives? Your child is aware of their partner’s background, and this is the person they have chosen.
If it’s something about their attitude or behaviour that is bothering you, think about why this might be and whether it has any bearing on your child’s well-being. If you’re uncomfortable with the way they talk about their own emotions, that’s different, for example, than them dismissing your child’s feelings.
Finally, you may need to admit that you are feeling some degree of competitiveness or jealousy. Your child’s partner replaces you as their emergency contact, the one they come to first when they need help. It’s OK to have feelings about this — but you don’t want to let those feelings damage your relationship with your child. You could even share this with them in a way that is both honest and non-blaming: “I realised that now you have somebody else that you’re going to when you want advice, or you want to process something, and I realised, as much as I like _______, I miss being that person,” Lisa Brateman, a licensed clinical social worker and the author of “What Are We Really Fighting About? How To Transform Conflicts Into Conversations,” told HuffPost.
How serious is your concern?
If there is any possibility of emotional or physical abuse, “at that point, [parents] need to speak up,” Brateman said.
“In that situation, you can’t just sit back and say, ‘She’ll figure it out,’” Brateman continued.
“Safety can mean you believe your child is in a physically, emotionally or financially abusive relationship,” Marshall explained. You might notice that your child’s partner is controlling of them, or isolates them from friends and family members.
While the need to speak up in such situations is clear, it’s not an easy conversation to have. You will need to think carefully about the words you use, and may want to enlist outside help as well. Marshall suggested reaching out to a therapist or a local intimate partner violence support centre.
“The key is to tell your child that you will always be there to support them, regardless of their decision to stay with this person, but you are worried about their safety and explain why,” she said.
“You want to both help and protect your child, and also not judge, shame or push them away,” Marshall continued. Even if they decide to stay in the relationship, “You want your child to know they can always count on you and come to you if they need help,” she said.
If your concern isn’t a serious one, you’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of bringing it up with your child at all.
If, Marshall said, “You wish the partner was more ambitious, or practiced your family faith, or just had a different personality, consider what sharing this might do to your relationship with your child.”
“Telling them you don’t agree with their choices can push them away from you rather than bring you closer,” she said.
Can you approach it with your child in a way that is supportive and nonjudgmental?
If you’re worried about the way your child’s partner treats them but not at the level of a safety concern, try asking open-ended questions so that you can better understand the situation.
Coming right in and making accusations about the partner or saying that they have to break up is likely to make your child defensive. Instead, Brateman suggested, you might say something such as, “How did you feel when _______ said that?” or “I noticed that you tensed during this conversation. What’s going on for you?”
Brateman advised that you think of it as planting a seed. Your child might not see the behaviour in the same light that you do in the moment, perhaps because they are so infatuated with the person, but that could change down the road.
Instead of saying, “I can’t believe how condescending/insulting he was to you!” which, again, might make your child come to the partner’s defence, you could say, “How did you feel when he said, ‘No, you don’t know about this?’” Brateman suggested.
“Be specific and behavioural,” Marshall said. “Avoid character or personality accusations.”
Asking a similar type of curious, nonjudgmental questions about the relationship in general can also help you understand what it is that your child sees in this person and why they want to be with them.
Marshall suggested, “Ask your child why they like them so much, how do they feel when they are with them, why is this the person they want to marry over others they have dated.”
“It is hard to judge a relationship from the outside,” she said. “Only the two people in the relationship can really know what it is like, and how it is good or not good for them. But you can help by staying nonjudgmental and curious, and understand what your child is looking for and why they like this person.”
Parents are often told to trust their instincts when it comes to their children, but in getting to know your child’s partner, you don’t necessarily need to act on every feeling that comes up for you.
“If that’s your instinct, you pay attention to it,” Brateman said. Try to understand where that feeling is coming from, but “not everything needs to be shared unless there’s some sort of understanding what it is.”
You don’t want to burden your child, or jeopardise your own relationship with them, with a comment like, “I don’t know what it is, he just rubs me the wrong way.” Maybe he simply reminds you of a person you don’t like very much.
“Unless there are red flags of danger, I think parents need to take a step back,” Brateman continued.
“Give your adult child the respect and the confidence to make these decisions without you peering in and saying, ‘No, don’t do this’ or ‘Yes, do that.’”