The festive season is creeping on us, and if you’re single you know all too well the pressure to be coupled up. No one wants to spend Christmas answering relatives’ questions on why you haven’t found that special person yet.
However, if you’re already in a relationship, it’s also a time when many couples reflect on their future, in what has brutally been referred to as “dump month”.
Researchers at a couples’ therapist services, Delight Counselling, have revealed that the period spanning from November 15 to December 15 has some of the highest rates of breakup and divorce in the UK.
“Contrary to popular belief of a ‘cuffing season’, which ties the holiday period into one in which many people seek out relationship opportunities, many of us actually use this time to evaluate and restructure our relationships, too,” said Hannah Jackson, a spokesperson from Delight’s research team.
If you don’t want to dump or get dumped right before Christmas, keep reading.
How to avoid a pre-Christmas break up
I’m sure nearly all of us would like to avoid going through a breakup, especially during the holidays. But, are the ways to stop a break up from happening if relationships strife is flaring up? Before you completely jump the gun, you may be able to resolve those issues.
“Resentment and repressed anger is one of the leading causes of relationship issues, and this can lead to unexpected breakups and divorces in many cases,” Jackson says.
It’s important to remember that no relationship is issue free, she adds. “No one naturally aligns with another person on every single issue. As well as this, living together, experiencing financial hardships, caring for children and going through personally challenging times (like losing a job, or the death of a loved one for example) can all put pressure on a relationship and cause us to find issues or have disagreements with our partner.”
Jackson believes being open to discuss these issues is key to working through them. “It is when they are not discussed or addressed that feelings of anger or annoyance can start to build up and cause you to project these feelings into other parts of your life and relationship or marriage,” she says.
A lack of communication between couples can manifest in many different ways, she adds, including passive aggression, letting concerns build up, one-sided communication, blaming and criticising language and overly aggressive behaviour.
How to communicate with your partner
1. Process your own feelings before discussing them with your partner – It’s important to process your own feelings first, before you start a conversation about them with your partner. Going straight in a discussion can cause it to be more heated or emotional – you may end up inflating the issue, blaming your partner, shouting or crying – which can make it harder to actually mutually discuss your feelings and thoughts.
2. Choose the right time – Timing is important when it comes to crucial conversations with your significant other. Choosing a time where your partner is unable to give you their full attention and focus means they are less likely to be able to understand your point of view and offer your support, as well as properly communicate their point of view in return.
For instance, avoid bringing up important issues while you are driving, or just before you partner is leaving to make an appointment or go to work. Wait until a point where you also have space and privacy, so you can both feel comfortable to express yourselves. Avoid talking in public spaces like restaurants or on the street.
3. Don’t let issues build up – Don’t brush issues under the rug if they have upset you - this will only give them the space and time to grow.
If something has bothered you, take time to consider why this is in your own space. Think about how you feel first and give yourself time to process this. Then, communicate this fully to your partner. It may be uncomfortable initially, but this will stop feelings of resentment from building up.
4. Avoid ‘blaming’ or critical language – Try to structure your conservation in a way that avoids blame or criticising your partner; though you may feel angry or upset about something, laying the blame on their actions or traits will not help them to understand your point of view, and will ultimately stunt your communication. Try using opening phrases to structure your thoughts, such as “when you say/do [this] it makes me feel like [this].”
5. Give them time to process and respond – Listen to your partner’s response when you talk to them. Something that can often happen in relationships is that one partner effectively communicates their thoughts and feelings about an issue, but does not allow their partner to actually respond to these. For instance, your partner may say they have opposing views or that they feel equally upset by the same issue for different reasons.
Talk through it – and you might just be able to work through it, too.