In my opinion, women in abusive relationships and those that have the support to end them continue to be silenced. It is therefore important to me that women in these situations are given a voice to be heard. I want to be one of those voices by talking about my experience.
It was about three months into the relationship, when we were driving home after a night out with friends that he first assaulted me; punching me in the thigh. It took me by surprise although, in hindsight, there was subtle warning signs prior this event. In my head I knew as soon as he had done it, it wasn't right, and this was later reinforced when my friend saw the huge bruise on my thigh as I was getting ready for a night out. I was torn between his words of: "it was an accident - I didn't mean to do it" and my friend's words of: "you deserve better than this - you need to end it". After, toying with decision of ending the relationship, I chose to continue with it, losing contact with this group of friends and being silenced by never discussing the incident again; mitigating it as an isolated event.
The abuse continued and for years I kept it secret. I wanted to make this relationship work and thought I could change him. The abuse was sporadic; we could go months without incident. When he bit, threatened or strangled me I would hate him at the time, but loved him when he apologised and comforted me. Feeling sorry for him and mitigating his behaviour as something he couldn't help. Believing, at times, that I was being oversensitive to his "jokes" and how lucky I was that he loved me.
When our children arrived it wasn't just me I had to consider. Over the years, I would continue to be silenced, putting on act in front of the children, family and new friends (who knew nothing about the abuse) that everything was "OK" and our relationship was "perfect". In hindsight and contrast, I was screaming in my head that I wasn't OK - I was hurting physically and emotionally and needed support. I considered asking for help for a long time, but I didn't know if I would be believed and I was scared of the repercussions - hearing his voice in my head saying - "I will make sure you never see the children again", "everyone will think you are mental", "you will be left with nothing".
After 10 years of contemplating the decision to end the silence, I made the break with the support of a specialist domestic abuse worker. This service gave me a voice and was instrumental in helping me navigate a variety of emotions and decisions; giving me the confidence to leave.
It has been over five years since I left an abusive relationship and I have secured a home and court orders. However, there have and (I believe) will continue to be occasions when I am silenced.
My children have disclosed instances about their father being controlling and aggressive to his current partner and them. I can still hear him in my head saying I am being "too sensitive", that "no-one will believe me" and people will "think I am mental". At times I have even thought the children maybe over exaggerating, but then I am guilty of silencing them too. I remind myself that I know what he can be like; remembering how "that look" would make me stop in my tracks and wondering what impact is it having on the children. In contrast to that voice I had after receiving support from a specialist domestic abuse worker, I am silenced again; only making a record of what the children say because I don't know who to tell.
When I attempted to speak out to protect my children by seeking advice following their revelation that their father had strangled his current partner, I came across several barriers. I sought advice from solicitors and Social Services, but was silenced by my barrister, social workers and the judge when during the court proceedings it was decided contact arrangements should return to how they had been in the first place.
I continue to encourage my children to open with me so they are not victim to the silence; divulging anything they feel uncomfortable with and talking to them about what construes a healthy relationship. However, I feel there needs to be greater opportunities for women's and children's voices to be heard in relation to domestic abuse.