As a parent, there’s no greater happiness than seeing your children playing contentedly together. No bickering, no snatching, no pushing, no s’not fair’ whining and competing for parents’ divided attention, just lost in play and enjoying each other’s company. Bliss!
In their early years, those times of sibling sweetness can be few and far between - toddlers can be frustrated or furious at babies’ attention stealing and uselessness as potential play partners.
But by sticking to some sensible ground rules, you can help your children to get along as they grow up.
Do try to...
Treat your children fairly. That doesn’t mean trying to treat them the same. That would be exhausting and ring hollow for them. An older child may be allowed to go to bed later because she’s older while a younger sibling has an early bed time because he needs more sleep. That’s fair, but not the same. (You may, however, still find yourself counting out equal number of chocolate buttons!)
Notice and praise generous, loving and caring sibling behaviour. It’s an oldie but a goodie - if you praise, your children will want to do it more until it becomes second nature. Siblings may fight at home, but they should have each other’s backs in the outside world.
Teach your children how to resolve conflicts and get along. It’s natural for siblings to bicker and even physically fight, but you can teach them how to tone it down, learn to share, give them the words to express feelings of upset and need and find true empathy. This is a skill they will use in all their relationships for the rest of their lives, so it’s well worth putting in the effort and reaping the benefits of a more relaxed home and children who can express emotions and resolve conflicts peacefully.
Give each child individual attention. There will be times when one child needs more attention, but make sure all your children feel secure that when they need you, you’ll be there.
Give your children space and time apart, if you can. Siblings have to share a lot - parents, toys, family time, even bedrooms - so giving them time apart from their siblings with one-to-one parental attention or a shared activity can relieve building tensions.
Don’t expect too much or too little. Sometimes parents expect too much from the older sibling and too little from the younger one. Take a hard look at your own expectations and whether they might be fostering long-term resentment. Is it realistic to expect the older child to help clear up while allowing your younger one to create a mess of toys?
Set clear behaviour boundaries. Every family’s rules will be a little different, for example you may allow or even encourage rough and tumble but draw the line at aggressive hitting, but stick to whatever boundaries you’ve decided. Teach your children to respect each other’s personal space and possessions.
Love all your children the best. Remember when you were expecting your second child, and you couldn’t imagine how your heart would stretch to love another child but it just did? Each of your children should grow up knowing that you love them all equally and absolutely. There are no favourites, no special bonds, just an absolute love for each child and there is more than enough love to go round.
Try not to...
Label your children. Kids are so much more than a word or a phrase and their relationship to each other is complicated and ever-changing. As adults, we know how frustrating it can be instantaneously reverting back to childhood sibling roles the moment we’re back together again - the bossy one, the irritating one, the peacemaker - with no wiggle room to truly be ourselves, simply cast in relationship to each other for life.
Compare your children. Who wouldn’t feel resentful and want to revolt against being described as ‘not as bright’ as a sibling or told ‘why can’t be more like..’? You can help your children discover their passions and talents, without needing to point out where they are in a constant comparison scale with their sister or brother.
Over-react when your kids squabble. Yes, it can be boring, brutal even. But they need to work out conflict without you interceding.
Encourage children to tell tales on each other. That just fosters an exhausting, he said/she said scenario. Instead, try to build a ‘band of brothers’ feeling that they’re in it together.
Hand out punishments to all your children or to the ‘wrong’ child without hearing or seeing the whole story. Everyone being put on a screen ban just breeds resentment. And remember that the child pummelling his sibling may well have been pushed to the limit before.
How to deal with sibling strife:
“I’ve always had a very low tolerance for my kids bickering, so it’s a shock being with other families where the children are both fighting for attention. Sorry if that sounds smug, but I think as a parent you work out what you can tolerate and what you can’t.” Sarah
“We’ve had horrible scenes - the worst was when my daughter thrust her younger brother’s head in a bowl of food because ‘he was being annoying’ - but now as teenagers they are really good friends and confide stuff to each other they’d never tell us. I’m so pleased they have each other.” Tanya
“If my kids come to me with tales of irritation, I tell them I know they can sort it out and I don’t get involved. It works.” Freya
“We have a few family mantras and one of them is ‘you always support each other’. When my son was a newborn, our daughter used to tell us to ‘send him back’, but now they are partners in arms.” Jim
As Kim Kardashian says, ‘Having lots of siblings is like having built-in best friends’. You can but hope.
Families that play together, stay together! Make the most of the warm summer weather by getting the family out into the park or garden for a game, like the family we featured in our Double The Fun video. Pack a picnic lunch and some special treats like Cadbury Dairy Milk Freddos. Choc-full of fun, delicious Cadbury Dairy Milk Freddos are made with fresh milk from British and Irish farms, for the perfect frog-shaped treat!