Twitter users, I have a challenge for you: scroll through the app for more than 40 seconds. If you manage not to spot a single Tweet about Taylor Swift and Matty Healy’s rumoured relationship during your swiping session, I’ll... I don’t know... get Elon Musk to name his next rocket after you, or something.
I mean, OK, I can’t do that – but it does feel like everyone online has something to say about the musicians’ new entanglement, and most of that ‘something’ involves ‘slagging off Matty Healy’.
Not only are legions of her fans loudly calling for an end to her first (suspected) post-breakup fling – despite neither party giving comment on the matter, or Swift ever even confirming her break-up with Alwyn in the first place – but the topic seems to be taking up pretty much every headline about the singer these days (no matter what else she gets up to).
While most of us have never had anything like as high-profile a relationship as these two international mega-stars have, I reckon plenty of us can relate to having a partner that our nearest and dearest are less than keen on.
It’s a tough spot to be in, and it raises some hard questions, like: Is there a way to balance my most important relationships when they’re at odds with each other?
How can I tell if my friends mean well?
At what point do they have to accept my decision anyway?
And, ideally, in one specific case: Should the name ‘Matty’, when combined with a slicked-back fringe and a permanently cocked brow, have raised some red flags of my own to begin with?.
I spoke to dating expert and co-founder of app SoSyncd, Jessica Alderson, for advice on how to handle the two biggest loves of most adults’ lives battling it out.
Here’s what I found out:
Got a new beau? Your friends went through a breakup as well (sort of)
OK, so it’s not on the same level as your Hagen-Dasz and Bridget Jones-style suffering. But just as Swifties mourned the singer’s six-year relationship to Joe Alwyn, it can be tough for your friends to get over your ex too (especially if you two were together for a long time).
And, not to say we’ve got fans, but our friends can become as invested in the success of your relationships as we are.
Jessica says that “it’s common for people to develop a non-romantic attachment to their friends’ partners, and when a breakup occurs, it’s normal to feel a sense of loss.
“In particular, if the ex-partner had become part of their core social circle, they may feel like they have lost someone important to them or worry about how the dynamic of the friendship group may change.
“The negative impact can be compounded if they don’t click with a friend’s new partner in the same way or actively dislike them.“
Your friends are adjusting to a new person, getting used to a whole new situation, and potentially getting over the loss of a reassuring, picture-perfect ideal.
It might seem a little unfair – and as Jessica says, “it’s unlikely that the shift (for your friends) will be as pronounced as it is for you” – but the change could be part of the reason why your friends are struggling to reach BFF status with a new partner.
Jessica says that “The degree to which friends find the adjustment difficult also depends on how open they are to change”, so (unhelpful as it sounds), in this case, time might be the biggest healer.
How can I tell if my friends mean well when they critique my relationship?
Of course, novelty isn’t the only issue friends can have with your partner – and sometimes they grow to dislike your long-term beau, too.
When you’re feeling all lovey-dovey, it can be hard to see any criticism of your beloved as anything other than an unfair attack.
But Jessica reckons you should look as objectively as possible at your friendship history before deciding whether or not their comments are malicious.
She says “it’s important to listen to your intuition and also consider how this friend has behaved in the past”, and that it’s best “not to get too defensive” when a close friend comes to you with their issues.
Some signs that your friends mean well, Jessica says, include:
1. Expressing their concerns in a non-judgmental way.
2. Listening to your perspective and respecting your decision-making process.
3. Offering you support and expressing their desire for you to be happy.
4. Focusing on specific behaviors or situations they are concerned about, rather than making sweeping judgments about your partner’s character.
5. Acknowledging the positive aspects of your relationship, too.
Meanwhile, here are some signs that Jessica says could mean your friends might not have your best interests at heart:
1. Criticising your partner without providing specific examples or constructive feedback.
2. Using manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping or ultimatums, to try and get you to break up with your partner.
3. Not being supportive of your relationship in general – even when you are happy and things are going well.
4. Being uninterested in your perspective or in understanding your feelings.
5. Consistently bringing up negative aspects of your partner or relationship, even after you have addressed their concerns.
So make sure you’re keeping an eye out for any friendship red flags, but ultimately, if your pal is bringing their concerns in a compassionate, caring way, it could well be worth a listen.
Well, they’ve had time to get used to my partner and I’ve addressed their concerns, but ultimately, my friends and partner just can’t get on. What now?
Friendships tend to be among the most important relationships we form, so it stings when there seems to be some real tension between your closest pals and a partner you love.
Trying to please everyone can be an intense juggling act, and as Jessica says, the responsibility shouldn’t all fall on you.
If you’ve addressed your friends’ concerns and decided their disapproval is based more on personality clashes than real issues that could be harmful to you, it’s worth getting the two parties together to see if they can work through their differences as adults.
As she says, “if you think there is a chance that they can come to some sort of understanding, consider having a conversation, either with both of them separately or together.
“It could come down to a miscommunication, and it’s possible that a candid discussion can resolve the tension.“
However, some disagreements are too big to ignore. If the issues between your pals and your partner are too significant, Jessica reckons a ‘divide and conquer’ approach might be your least stressful option.
“If it seems like it is a fundamental personality clash, it may be wise to limit the amount of time that they spend together. For example, you could avoid inviting your friend and partner to the same events or intimate gatherings”, she says.
And while this approach sounds like a surefire way to lose a significant chunk of your social life, Jessica says that separating the two need not necessarily affect the quality of your relationship with either.
“In the majority of cases like this”, she says, “you can still maintain both relationships, even if they don’t necessarily get along.”
Much easier when you’re able to apply this framework and advice to your close-personal friends – who you can reason with – verses throngs of, er, protective fans on Twitter...