Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So we’ve rounded up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My husband when I was pregnant with my daughter: I can’t wait for her to be just like you
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) February 11, 2019
My husband, almost a decade later: What kind of dark magic curse did I put on myself
“I had my kids close in age so they would have someone to play with,” she yells over her children’s incessant fighting.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 12, 2019
When you have kids, a three-day weekend is nothing but a painful reminder of what you've lost.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 13, 2019
When I left for work my 10 yo was holding a box of Valentines yelling, “TEAR AT PER-FOR-ATION. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?”
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 14, 2019
Welcome to Valentine’s Day, Buddy.
4-year-old: I have to train for the Power Rangers.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2019
Me: I don't think they're accepting new members.
4: No. I'm going to beat them.
Roses are red
— The Dad (@thedad) February 10, 2019
Violets are blue
Tonight when the kids are in bed
We can watch something that isn’t Cars 2
*wearing my Tacos Are My Valentine t-shirt
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) February 13, 2019
7: Isn’t Dad your valentine?
Me: I think the shirt says rather clearly that tacos are.
7: Tacos ARE really good.
Me: This is why you’re my favorite.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 12, 2019
What a parent’s bucket list looks like:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 9, 2019
3. Drink hot coffee
2. Shower without kids banging on the door
1. Pee alone
The parenting books never warned me how much of my day would be spent with the Puppy Dog Pals theme stuck in my head.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 10, 2019
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 11, 2019
Just got out of the shower & my daughter walks in. I let her stay while I get dressed to teach her body positivity & that women—
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) February 10, 2019
My kid: Are you pregnant?
Me: GET OUT
Kid: "We're supposed to get snow tomorrow, & my teacher said school will probably be cancelled! Isn't that cool?!"
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 12, 2019
Me: pic.twitter.com/pjXfCWBiFA
At 8 pm I put my child to bed and lay there till he falls asleep, usually around 8:30-8:45 of October 2048.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 14, 2019
[kids are finally asleep]
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) February 14, 2019
“Holy fuck, I need to clean this house”
*pours giant glass of wine and sits down for the night*
I keep telling my son to not procrastinate - get things you don’t like to do out of the way.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 9, 2019
So, he started practicing piano at 6:30am today.
It’s Saturday.
Touché, son. Touché.
My 4yo wants to know if anyone would like to trade blue eyes for
— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) February 11, 2019
her green eyes?
The full on tantrum at dinner would lead me to believe this matter is urgent.
And for my next trick I'll turn my kids into starving, dehydrated philosophers who also need to pee a lot, by simply using these two magical words, "It's bedtime."
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 13, 2019
my son spent 5 minutes on his math homework and the rest of the evening exhaustively researching the Chuck E Cheese reused pizza conspiracy theory, here comes the next generation you guys
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 14, 2019
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked my 5yo went to the bathroom, laid down in front of the toilet and took a nap.
— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) February 13, 2019
I guess what I'm trying to say is she's my new life coach.
The book they should have written was ‘What to Expect 18 Years After You’re Expecting’.
— Jersey (@better_off_dad) February 13, 2019