Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I have so many kids, when I introduce them I simply gesture in their general direction and say, “And this is my kid collection.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 19, 2018
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 18, 2018
Listen, you won't actually need anything on your baby registry but an obscene amount of frozen pizzas and coffee.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) February 20, 2018
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out on Friday night we can get halfway through making brownies and discover we are out of eggs while our kids fight about who likes chocolate more.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 17, 2018
hiding-while-pooping is my favorite thing about toddlers. I didn't know it was a thing before kids. she creates a small, gated community or fort and you may not look at or speak to her for 10-15 mins. she will call for you, but it is a trick. you may not look.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 19, 2018
My 3-year-old treats us like we're hearing and visually impaired.
Her: Mommy, my shoes are black!
Mommy: Yep.
Her: (Baby sis), my shoes are black!
Baby: gah.
Her: Daddy, my shoes are black!
Me: I know, I'm still trying to put them on you.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) February 19, 2018
8yo: I love you mommy!
*big hug
Mom: I love you too!
8yo: Can I play on your computer?
Me: And there it is
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 20, 2018
I’m not saying that the romance is gone, but my husband and I went out for dinner without our kids, and the waiter asked if we needed separate checks.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 19, 2018
Other mom at a bake sale: I made "two-bite" cupcakes.
Me: *shoves three in my mouth at the same time* Bullshit.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 16, 2018
Me at work: See ya, I’m going out to lunch with my wife and toddler
Coworkers: Cool
Coworkers, later: Hey how was lunch
Me, work shirt covered in tiny yogurt sauce hand-prints: Like normal
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) February 19, 2018
There should be a service where you can rent parents to go see your kids play sports in your place.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 20, 2018
6-year-old: “I wish I could be immortal.”
4-year-old: “I wish I could live in a chocolate house.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 18, 2018
Driving after you have kids is 70% driving and 30% throwing snacks at your kids.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 11, 2018
I never love my children more than when I've had a glass of wine and they're all soundly asleep.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) February 20, 2018
Childless friends: currently testing out their new sous vide cooker
Me and my husband: rationing frozen chicken nuggets for the week
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) February 18, 2018
10yo: I want the last brownie?
Me: it’s mom’s
10: why!?
Me: life advice, son. The last brownie is ALWAYS moms. Always. Stay safe.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) February 17, 2018
Fact: the last month of pregnancy has 6459 days.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 17, 2018
Like its counterpart, the thermometer, the therdadeter just tells you “you’ll live, tough it out”
— Zackadaisical (@Mr_Kapowski) February 19, 2018
9yo: You’re annoying.
7yo: No, you’re annoying.
6yo: You’re both annoying.
Me: Guys, guys. Calm down. Let me settle this. You all are annoying.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 20, 2018
3-year-old: I ate my whole taco!
Me: That’s great.
3: And I wasn’t scared!
Bravery comes in many forms.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2018
Kids: Can we have cake for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cake for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of cake]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 19, 2018